I have been sick forever. At least it feels like forever. It has been over a week.  I have been coughing up large loogies that look like solid orange crush. I cough whenever I speak and if someone makes me laugh, it almost kills me. Did I tell you how hot I am? When I go to the doctor I have to wear a face mask. I feel as if I have just been caught in Area 51 in an hot, highly inappropriate embrace with a Martian. 'Come over here Ma'am...into this room away from the other, normal sick people'. I slink after the happy, pert receptionist in the nice black suit and I feel jealous of her non disgusting, polite little cough. My cough sounds like I have been smoking 20 packs of cigarettes per day for 30 years. I try not to cough but trying not to cough is akin to listening to or reading anything Ann Coulter says and not thinking 'how?...seriously, how? what? what does this woman drink? smoke? what did they do to her when she was a baby? did someone drop her on her head? is blonde hair dye linked to mental illness?'...http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/funnyquotes/a/anncoulter.htm

Anyway, I had to go and have a chest x-ray done this morning which I know sounds like a boat load of fun but it's tough to have your chest x-rayed when you can't breathe in and hold your breath without coughing up a lung or vomiting on the lab floor. Not only that but when I went in, they gave me a nice outfit to wear...pale blue with ties up the back. I didn't bother to do up the ties because I figured I'd be on a bed being xrayed. Not so...and when I bent over in my extremely hot 'vomit pose', the cape thing fell off. Naked from the waist up. So I was stripping with pneumonia, the xray machine doubled as my stippers pole.

A friend of mine wanted me to send him some lamb's wool for a Hallowe'en costume so he could dress up like a musician from Zee Zee Top.  I keep everything and I've had this wool for many years after a visit to a sheep farm. He asked me to make sure I keep my disease from the wool. I told him that I am very selective with whom share my plague.

Soooo,

If you want my virus..you must meet certain criteria:

Do you own a small dog that barks incessantly?

Do you cut in line in the grocery store because you only have 2 items (when you actually have 25)

Do you drive in the left lane with your left ticker on for several KM's and then veer suddenly into the right lane without warning?

Do you have novelty plates talking about your sexual prowess?

Do you feed small children to your angry pit bull?

Do you drive a monster truck?

Are you a Sarah Palin fan?

Are you Rush Limbaugh? (I just read a comment he made about feminism coming into being in order to allow ugly women into mainstream society!!). Bloody man, I almost hacked up the remainder of my lungs laughing

Have you emailed me on a dating site and offered to sell me cream that will make me look younger?

If you said yes to any of the above, I think we have a match! Let me know and I will parcel up an orange crush loogie for you immediately!