Serenity

The sunset has calmed me for as long as I can remember.....no matter where I was or what kind of storm I had tearing up the inside of me....the sight of the life-giving star of the planet taking time to rest was very grounding to me...

I was in a federal building today taking care of some business and oddly enough, I saw a beautiful sunset there in the middle of the afternoon....on the wall in a photo taken by the representative I was sitting in front of. Actually, there were many photos of sunsets on those walls and as I sat there conducting business, my eyes were continually drawn to them.

It turns out that this representative is also a shrink/marriage counselor and maybe his experience in that field made him take note of some flash of emotion in my eyes as they played chase with each photo strewn across the walls around him. I just feel something when I look at that magnitude of beauty captured in an instantaneous shutter of a device I have yet to understand...and it's awesome to my simple mind that one moment that will never be witnessed again can be permanently affixed to a piece of paper for more eyes to drink in...in a form nearest as can be offered aside of the real experience...

Somehow, and I have no idea how, we began talking about emotion and the ways we humans duck and run at the first sign of what's good for our lives...always returning to the things and people that we allow to tear us apart. He said that even though we don't want the turmoil, we will inevitably relive parts of our past with new people and circumstances until we understand what it was that we needed to learn about ourselves and in what ways we need to do things differently from now on.

And it's true. I am the last person in the world who wants to admit that I knew better than to link myself to the parasitic and cold-hearted people I've been known (years ago) to attract into my world. It doesn't make sense when I try to rationalize it and it didn't make sense then. Love and friendship should bring positivity into your life. It's no secret. However, I used to make every excuse for why the issues I had to deal with were just 'the road getting a little rocky'.....and I even managed to convince myself that I was a better friend or partner for riding it out....no matter what it costed me.

My greatest lesson.........don't settle. Look around. If you're breathing and eating and even the slightest bit motivated to go on living...you have everything you need. Some people make the relationship they're in...or wish to have...the focal point of their lives and they base their perception of their own success in life on whether or not they're playing a role in someone else's life. That's a quick way to rob yourself of your own identity. Ask me about it.

It doesn't have to be a love relationship. It can be a friendship that just doesn't make sense anymore and happens to be more drama than it's worth. Some people hang onto anyone who's not hanging onto them and in the meantime, the positivity-bearing people are passing by thinking 'hell no, I'm not going over there into that mess'.....and so what's good for you keeps on going and you keep spinning your wheels, expecting things to change by doing things the same way....

You've got to clean out the garbage if you want to make room for the good stuff. It's that simple. It's like an overcrowded garage. The difference is that nice people and pains-in-the-ass don't like to occupy the same space. The 'irritants' will fight and try to hold their ground and the nice ones will just go away. They know there's so much more out there....away from here.

I've found that most people are terrified of change. They would rather spend years being miserable and knowing what to expect than to take a chance and go through the uncertainty of trying to figure out where to go down their own road. Why? I don't know the answer to that. I've always welcomed change...but there were several hard years that I toiled through to muster the courage to do what I knew I needed to.

Focus. It is elusive....but only for as long as you let it be. It's a choice not a personality trait. I struggle with it to this day because my interests and goals are so plentiful and diverse, but I know that my key to happiness lies within me...

And I instinctively knew that I already had everything I needed all of those nights I spent alone...broken down and confused...wondering where I'd gone wrong......when it wasn't where I'd gone, but who I'd chosen to take with me that ruined the trip. But sitting there watching the sun settling down and knowing that there was not a single soul on the earth who had the power to stop it from happening was a silent whisper to my heart that let me know that I was exactly where I needed to be...that I had the whole world and a lifetime to look ahead to in the distance....and that no matter how bad the emotional beatdown had been, I still wanted to throw myself over my own shoulder and drive on down the road that I wasn't even able yet to see...

I am fortunate to work outside in the blistering summer heat well into the night.....through the trees, I get to observe the sun performing it's most predictable action.....saying goodnight...it's time to rest awhile.....time to gather my thoughts and do what I already know to do....when tomorrow brings another opportunity to do it better.