Since I rejoined the ranks of the vast singles circulating in bars, libraries, bleak apartment buildings or commuting alone in their cars, one thing has changed since I was last single. Women may actually want to sleep with me.

As a man, I suppose I should be happy. Sex is a great way to kill an afternoon or morning or evening or whenever. If I were twenty years old, I might spend more of my time having it...well, whenever. But I spent too much time with my face in a book at twenty to sow my wild oats, and I've always had girlfriends, not one-night stands.

Now I'm finding that old habits are hard to break. I'm still the clumsy, goofy and respectful geek I was ten years ago, just a little wiser and a lot less impulsive.

Along the way I've learned sex is in many ways revealing of our very nature. I may be older and more experienced sexually, but I'm still that same guy who feels guilty about misleading a woman. In today's culture sex is minimized so much, but at the end of the day sex still means something to me. I don't see it as a "game" or "exercise" and I don't believe I ever will. Others around me tell me to enjoy my new found independence and to enjoy a second chance at becoming a "stud". I suppose I could take a stab at it, but I keep finding myself too interested in the person to see them as purely sexual.

So today when I approached a woman and began speaking to her at lunch, I couldn't help but ask a long list of questions. I just had to know more about her but the more I learned (she partied like a rockstar even though she had two children and referred to herself as "sweet-tits"), the clearer it became this is someone I didn't want a relationship with. Apparently I now have standards...very, very strict standards about who enters my life.

In fact, I decided to implement a "morning after" rule for all potential sexual partners. I talk to the person, try to enjoy their company, learn more about them and then decide if this is someone I want lying next to me the "morning after" our first night of sex--no matter how far down the road. If it isn't someone I really want to wake up next to, I can only think of the awkward, half-hearted, abashed conversation that following morning.
"Uh...good morning..."
"Yeah. Morning."
"What are you doing today?"
But we're both thinking, "who the hell cares. I just want to leave."

However, if the timing of the first sexual interlude is correct and the feelings are mutual, I can't shut up and neither can she. The chatter is so good neither of us wants to get out of bed, let alone plots out a sprint to the door, and last night turns into one of those all day bed events with a meal or two as an interruption but mostly talking, very comfortably kissing, intertwining our limbs etc. more sex perhaps, more talking etc. etc.

Once I've ventured down this amazing road in a relationship, sex seems natural and comfortable to me. If not, it just seems wrong. I hate the feeling of "wrong" more than any other.

Most guys want to connect with a woman, anyone for that matter. Sex is the quickest connection they can have, but as quick as it may be, it's equally empty in the wrong context. Still, men keep venturing down the road of sex again and again perhaps because they're not convinced they deserve a relationship or because a relationship and all that comes with it is simply too hard. And all man have a similar compulsion to fill emotional gaps in their lives with the artificial intimacy sex can provide. I know these guys, and they always seem sad and cynical.

Those of us who are getting a bit older know it's better to hold out for someone who makes us tingle all over the morning after. The woman we can't stop touching and the one we have to know everything about. That one person who can absorb us despite still being a dorky 17 year old because we trust them so much. I know these guys, too. They're the guys who are happily committed and hopeful about their future. They're also living examples that relationships can bring out the best in us.

Love, I think, is a mixture of chemistry, connection, trust and loyalty. This connection blooms into something solid and durable that men and women need to feel whole. In this I feel I am lucky. I see very clearly what sex has become for me. It is a connection, an expression that is not and cannot be in the least bit empty. It is one that signals possibilities, hope, support and intimacy.

So, I suppose that's why I haven't endeavored to carve as many notches into my bestpost as I possibly can. In the end I want to carve one notch, and this time I want to be the last one I'll ever carve.