The 2009 federal budget proposal has been released and the news is not good for those trying to fight the war on abuse. Funds from the Department of Health and Human Services have been frozen. This includes prevention, hot lines, and shelters. Public safety programs on the state and local level have been cut by nearly two-thirds. The report was approximately 2,270 words and the very last item to be mentioned was domestic violence. If the report was done in the order of importance, this would imply that abuse was the least important of all.
I believe it is time for all of us to deal with this horrible plague in a more direct way. Our most valuable resource is our people, yet as a society we often turn our backs when they are mistreated. The home, a place that should be safe, is often a battleground.
Thirty years ago, when I reached adulthood, I learned that many men felt their wives were property and they could abuse or beat them into submission. As a wife it was implied to me that I should be submissive and go along with whatever treatment I received.
What gives us the right to feel we can mistreat another individual? I am not an expert and I know there are many complex answers to this question. I do think we learn behavior at home and often grow up to repeat the mistakes of our parents. As a long time volunteer with domestic violence causes I have seen first hand the effects that abuse has on the family. Sometimes we hear comments like “she made me do it.” That’s a crock. If that were the case the abuser would have busted the big screen TV instead of his wife’s jaw. To abuse someone else is a choice that you make.
Abuse is not limited to women or wives. Many times mothers abuse their innocent children. Sometimes wives abuse their husbands. It is hard for a man to admit that he is being abused. The support for him is often less than it is for the wife. There is date rape and teenage abuse. No does not mean the same thing for a male and female. Today one out of every four individuals is taking care of an elderly person. It is sad to know that many cases of financial abuse and physical abuse are inflicted upon them by their own children. In a sick kind of way it is almost as if we are paying them back for how they treated us.
I do not think this problem will go away until we as a nation stand up and say we have had enough. No more hitting, no more abusing. If you are abused and keep quiet, then you are enabling the abuser to continue mistreating you. Family disturbances are one of the most frequent calls for law enforcement officers. Often when they get to the home they are told that this is family business – we take care of our own. Taking care of someone is not the same as abusing them. We have to break the cycle of violence with our children. We must treat them with respect and kindness, even when they are disciplined. We must teach them to respect everyone and that violence will not be tolerated.
Life at times can be very stressful and many of us feel we are at the end of our ropes. It is so easy to go off on the ones we love perhaps thinking because they love us we can treat them however we want. I argue that the opposite is true. Because we do love them we should treat them with respect and kindness. Walk away from the fight before it gets out of control. Find healthy ways to deal with your anger. Domestic situations are always wrapped in so much emotion but there has to be other ways to deal with our negative feelings. When we strike out in anger against another person, the physical pain is great but it is the emotional pain that eats away at your self confidence.
Children many times witness abusive acts between their parents. They grow up thinking violence is normal and go out into the world inflicting hurt and pain on all they meet. Parents sometimes wonder why their children are disrespectful at school when they are not taught at home how to respect others. It is easy to understand why our divorce rate is so high, when you think that many of us had lousy role models. Children watch and hear everything we do. They want to grow up and be just like us. As parents we need to do a better job teaching our children how to respect others by setting a good example. I think it would be almost impossible to abuse someone that you respected.
With the upcoming election, let us stop and think about what is really important. We need to urge our public officials not to cut back funding for abuse issues. We need to be more aware of those around us who we suspect are being abused. Ask yourself what can you do? Sometimes the victim can walk away from a violent situation but my biggest concern is those who are unable to defend themselves – children, the elderly, and animals. We are our brother’s keepers. I believe if more people would get involved when they suspect abuse, the rate of abuse would go down.
For more information on abuse see my web site www.whentiesbreak.com
For information on how to recognize abusive relationships see www.recovery-man.com