I attended my high school friend's wedding last night. It was so sweet...neither the bride or groom had been married before which is unusual because by the time someone hits 40, they usually have 8+ marriages firmly under their belts. Okay, maybe that's just me. Anyway, I haven't seen most of the people in 20+ years. There was a guy at the wedding who was hammered before the wedding even started...he made a scene during the vows. He's apparently in love with the bride (and it must have been hard to see her that day because she really looked quite amazing)  and wasn't handling the fact that she was marrying someone else very well.  I was fortunate enough to be seated next to him at dinner. He kept asking me to marry him....and then...he'd ask me what my name was? I had to take him out for a walk during the speeches because he kept yelling inappropriately.

It went sort of like this:
"You are very beautiful. Let's get married tonight. What's your name again? You like skiing right? What's your name? Let's get married. C'mon why won't you marry me? You're so beautiful. I forget your name..Do you know Frank? Wanna get married? We should definitely get married. What's your name?" 

We can just call him 'Clean Slate'. 

I was cutting up his food and trying to feed him in an effort to soak up even a small portion of the alcohol, although it would have taken several cows and a field of wheat to make a dent in the booze he had flowing through his veins. I went to the bathroom and when I got back he had taken my wrap and had fashioned it into a set of boxing gloves and was marching around the room pretending to punch people. Later on, a bunch of us were dancing, I must have had my hands over my head or something because he suddenly grabbed me around my knees and lifted me above his head. I shot into the air like a javelin being tossed by a Romanian on roids. He had managed to somehow get hold of the hem of my dress so when I shot up, my dress lifted to my waist, revealing my pink and purple thong. I was sure I was going to end up crashing head first into the fireplace beside the dance floor. He then starting spinning me around in circles over his head like Patrick Swayze in 'Dirty Dancing'.  He's a big fella...King Kong had nothin' on him. Sort of the same theme too, 'Clean Slate' was fighting against the forces of civilization in the same way...bucking convention, holding the screaming damsel in the palm of his hand. The difference being that King Kong, in the scenes I've watched, did not appear to have substance abuse issues. So my situation was actually scarier than being held in the palm of a giant mutant ape's palm, dangling from the top of the Empire State Building. The potential for a sudden drop and misstep seemed enormous.

The really great part was when 'Clean Slate' thrust me in the air and lifted my dress, I got to flash my ass in front of about 100 strangers - many of them seniors. My friend's neighbor...who is now my BFF, managed to jump up and grab my ankles and pull my dress down. She dislodged me from the drunk guy, who was escorted out after that thankfully. One of the more embarrassing moments in my life.

I have decided to go back to my grade 3 rule...when wearing a skirt or dress, make sure to always wear shorts underneath in case it's 'skirt up day'.