Why Spiderman... why???
Why did Sam Raimi turn you emo... Why didn't I just watch Darkman instead...
How did I anger the gods so much that they would subject me to such an indigent film?

It all began with my poor t-shirt slection.

Laundry day means wearing a random t-shirt with my holey jeans. Now I don't mean holy like blessed by a higher power, I mean holey like I have 2 big holes above the back pockets.

So, I needed a longer t-shirt that wouldn't give away what boxers I had on. I reached my arm deep in my closet looking for the perfect article of clothing. Bingo, I randomly selected my Evil Dead shirt that just happened to be long enough. How fitting (no pun intended) that I was going to watch Raimi's Spiderman 3 later that evening. Maybe it would be a good day after all or maybe the greek goddess Apate was amusing herself. Either way, by the end of the night I learned an important lesson. Never wear the shirt of a movie by the same director as the one you are watching. 50 minutes into Spiderman 3 I wanted to take my Evil Dead shirt and turn it inside out.

Before I go any further let me clear the air by saying that Spiderman is probably my most favorite comic book hero and I absolutely hated the first movie and thought the second one was definately better, but not great.

First, let me tell you what I liked about the movie. Don't get to excitied here. It's a short list.

1. Thomas Haden Church is Sandman! Excellent casting for this Spiderman nemesis. Unlike most of the cast Church didn't abandon this sinking ship. No, his performance was excellent. Sandman looked great and really drove home the whole comic book theme. Unfortunately, Church couldn't play all the characters in the movie.

2. Pre-Black suit Spiderman - Raimi did a much better job directing Toby as how parker would act just as he began to get famous. Face it, Parker gets a small ego and that transformed on the screen nicely. Still not witty enough, but things weren't looking to bad, well at least not until that damn black costume came into action.

3. To be or not to be Venom. I didn't mind Topher playing Venom although I did miss Hyde and Kelso. Red-hair Donna would have been nice as well. All in all Venom looked good. He could have been meaner and he needed to be a little bit bigger, but that's being nit-picky. There's plenty of other stuff to be negative about.

4. Bruce Campbell is still the best thing in the Spiderman franchise. I don't want to give this part away, but Bruce Campbell plays an amusing french Maître d’. Trust me on this one, when the DVD comes out make sure you rent it and skip to the Campbell part. It is the best thing in the film.

5. J.K. Simmons completely nails J. Jonah Jameson. Damn, the man deserves an oscar for his role. Ok, maybe not an oscar, but his name should be first in the credits. If you are a fan of the comic book you will greatly appreciate all of his scenes.

6. James Franco demonstrated some acting talent. Unfortunately, the plot and the script restrained him like Ironman caging the Hulk. You'll cry a little at the end. Not because the ending, but you'll be happy that Franco can go on to other movies leaving this nightmare behind.

That's it for the good. If I could make a cut of all the positive scenes then the movie would go from 2:45 to probably a little less than an hour. Unfortuantely, Raimi has no plans for the spectacular Nick cut. Now it is time for several examples of the bad.

1. The black alien costume doesn't just turn Parker into some Emo 17 year old wanna be pimp it also effectively destroys the whole movie. Damn that suit. Everything goes from "kind of bad" to "absolutely horrible" in about 15 minutes of Spiderman donning his new black crime fighting spandex.
Folks, it gets bad. There is even this musical scene with Parker, Gwen Stacy and Mary Jane. I survived the scene by closing my eyes and picturing Paris Hilton going to jail for 45 days. Yay!

2. Kristen Dunst may have also been taken over by aliens. Oh Kristen you were so wonderful in Interview with a Vampire. What happened? How can your performance get worse after each movie. Is there some sort of side bet I don't know about? The interesting thing is that Mary Jane gets fired from her lead broadway skit after critics trash her play. Heh.... was this part of some forshadowing or Raimi's subconscious taking over.

3. Did they outsource the writers? This script makes George Lucas's dialogue worthy of a Nobel Prize. Let me give you an example, at one part of the movie Eddie Brock(Topher) says "I'm going to put dirt in your eye, Parker". Need I say more?

4. Star Wars episode 1-3 had a horrible script, but it did have a good plot. See, a movie can survive on bad dialogue, but you have to have a plot. Unless your making a cheesy B-horror movie like Evil Dead. Spiderman is cheesy, but it is not a B-horror movie. The plot is a complete failure. Which I don't understand because you have hundreds of comics to pull from. Sandman(Church) turns out to be the "real" killer of Parker's uncle Ben. Harry (Franco) starts out evil, but then instantly turns good. What??? Venom seeks out Sandman for help killing Spiderman as if Venom would ever ask for help. Ughhh... See the plot holes... I could keep going, but I think the words "This movie is horrible" sums it up.

Take George Lucas' advice on this one.

"It's silly. It's a silly movie," he said. "There just isn't much there. Once you take it all apart, there's not much story, is there?"