I think a new shoe emergency needs to be declared. Not long ago I ranted against the wearing of flip-flops for all occasions. I still believe that flip flops are not appropriate footwear for wearing in an office and to church and funerals and formal dances, but there seems to be little that can be done to stop it at this point. I don't think that it's too late to stop the craze of wearing Crocs and I think it's time to stop it right now.

You probably know what Crocs are even if you haven't heard them as referred to as that. They are, essentially,a rubber mule-like shoe that people seem to be wearing like crazy these days. They come in ridiculously bright colors that must be confusing astronauts up there in the space station as I am quite sure they can be seen from space. It must be like looking at a video game to see hundreds of tiny orange and lime and pink dots roaming around on the planet below.

They are, without a doubt, the AMC Pacers of the shoe world. More to the point, at no time, ever, should a MAN wear them. I am willing to give a bit of a break in a few places. First, women should be allowed to wear them. They are shoes that seem designed by and made for women. Women are the ones I also want to encourage to keep wearing flip flops. Women should be the only ones who wear mules. Men, if you have either mules on right now or Crocs, you need to reconsider your sexuality.

I am willing to forgive kids wearing these things. Colorful things for feet is something kids just can't seem to get enough of for reasons I have never been able to fully fathom. They love shoes that have wheels on them or lights in the heels. If I wore shoes with wheels in them, I would just be falling on my ass all day long. Lights on my shoes would just look silly. So, kids under the age of 12 I have no problem with when it comes to the Crocs.

I am also willing to cut some slack with people working in the medical profession. Unfortunately, I have been in an emergency room many times and been in hospitals many times in my life. It seems that doctors spend a lot of time standing and walking. Therefore the standard shoe even for guys in the medical profession seems to be some kind of footwear that can easily be slipped off. I have even seen male medical professionals wearing something that could only be considered a mule. However, they should only wear Crocs that are black and not bright orange.

I think I began to completely turn against Crocs when I was watching "Iron Chef America." The one large, bearded, long-haired Italian chef was the Iron Chef chosen. At some point I noticed he was wearing bright orange Crocs on his feet. It completely made him seem less manly and like an idiot. He also had white socks on, crammed into the Crocs which just seems wrong.

Guys, you need to cover your feet. Men's feet are not attractive to look at. Women, on the other hand, can have gorgeous feet. They spend a lot of time and money working on them, so it stands to reason. They paint their toes and get pedicures. It only stands to reason when you spend that much money you would want to show it off. It would be like getting a Ferrari and then driving around with it covered all the time.

Men do not take care of their feet. I remember my dad, who worked in a factory most of his life, and stood a lot, taking a pocket knife to his heels to scrape off the thick calluses that had built up there. This is how men think about their feet. I remember a guy in college getting an ingrown toenail and stepping into the showers with a pair of pliers and some kind of cutting device to remove the damn thing.

I hate those guys who walk around with their damn Birkenstocks as if everyone wants to look at their yellowing, thick, crusty feet with equally yellowed toenails. I don't care how free your feet feel, you need to think about others before you think about your own comfort. Yes, we do care about it, we do make fun of you and you should care, dammit.

Crocs, on the other hand, just look ridiculous. Apparently there are also things you can get that fit into the various holes that are in Crocs and dress up your shoes. Exactly why you would ever want to do this, I have no idea.

They are rubber shoes! Who the hell wears rubber shoes? I don't care about how comfortable they are, that has to make your feel sweat like crazy. I cannot imagine anything more foul that a pair of Crocs coated with a day's worth of foot sweat. Just imagine those landfills eventually filled with disposed-of Crocs slowly sinking into the drinking water. Unless you have shoes that can actually make you walk across water, you should not be wearing rubber on your feet. OK, you can wear them if you have galoshes or boots, but that's it.

I have seen these things stacked up at, of all places, Whole Foods. People flock to these things like they are made out of gold. Then, of course, there is the lovely sight of a million people taking off their shoes and trying on pair after pair of rubber shoes with their bare feet. This is wrong on so many levels. First, no pair of shoes should be bought in a grocery store. Second, just think about the countless feet that have been in the pair you are carrying up to the checkout counter.

Plus, the colors are just ridiculous. What self-respecting adult would be caught wearing bright orange footwear? Of course, at the same time I just saw someone crossing a busy street in Chicago wearing bright green fuzzy bathroom slippers. She did not appear to be raving or drooling or crazy, but who can say for sure.

Your feet should be wrapped entirely. Men, especially, cover your toes. If you have a loved one who likes your feet, then keep them wrapped for them. Then you can have your loved one unwrap them and turn it part of your whole lovemaking routine. I just don't wan to have to look at them when I am driving or walking around town.

There is nothing fouler looking than some moronic dude walking around in his shorts and T-shirt and flip flops. You add Crocs to the list and it just becomes a total fashion disaster as far as I can tell. Men should be wearing dress shoes, sneakers or work boots. Rubber shoes that look like mules with a strap along the heel should never be worn.

There is still time to stop this trend. Men, if you are wearing them now, I urge you to kick them off and dispose of them in the most environmentally friendly was as possible. Maybe they can be turned into some kind of surface for playgrounds. Then go out and get yourself a good steel-toed work boot. Start wearing those with jeans and a T-shirt. For added emphasis, add a baseball cap.

This will not work well if you have to go to a formal function, however. Of course, even then your Crocs are not appropriate. Take it from your Uncle Bryan.

Bryan W. Alaspa's novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.