I was diagnosed with depression when I was a young teen. I've never felt truly happy. But, I muddled through life and eventually ended up married at 21. I pretended a lot during those ten years.

I sought help for my depression sometime during my marriage. I was placed on medication. I don't remember doing any counseling. I may have...I've forgotten a lot. He had affairs, I had affairs. We had already separated shortly after two years of marriage. Four months later, we reunited. Then, we decided to have a baby...cause you know that always helps a marriage in trouble. NOT! It took us five years to finally conceive. I immediately miscarried. I was devastated. Then another miscarriage. Finally, in 2000 I delivered my first son, John Alexander. For the first time in my life, I felt joy, I felt happiness, I felt euphoric. Four days later, my life came to a crashing halt as my son passed away in an emergency room from sepsis. I remember looking at my son as he lay in the e/r, saying, "You're not supposed to give me trouble now. You have to wait til you're a teenager." He turned his little head and looked at me. I remember a nurse saying, "Look, he already knows mommy's voice." As I looked at my son, all I could think was he looked like an alien. I couldn't look anymore. Less than a week after giving birth, I was burying my son.

I took my maternity leave to try and heal, but I worked at the hospital where my son died and knew I could never go there again. I quit my job. Again, I was put on anti-depressants and anxiety medications. Three months later, a pregnancy test turned up positive again. Six weeks into the pregnancy, I miscarried again and was relieved. I couldn't go through that again. Just a few weeks later, I turned up pregnant again. During my fourth month, I went to my doctor and told him I just couldn't do this and felt as though I wanted an abortion. He put me back on anti-depressants, and I continued the pregnancy. I was in and out of the hospital a lot during this pregnancy. My blood pressure was very high and my anxiety level was too. I was so scared of having another child die. Finally, the day came and my second son, Hayden Lee, was born 14 months after his brother.

I don't remember much between the two boys. I'm sure I had post-partum depression and it worsened after I had Hayden. I do remember sitting on my parent's front porch just crying, day after day. My son was such a good baby, and yet I still didn't feel happy. I was still overwhelmed with grief and guilt from the death of my first son. I felt as though my husband didn't understand what I was going through. When my son was ten months old, I asked my husband for a divorce. He agreed.

We had a pretty nasty divorce. I overdosed twice because I felt as though I wanted to be with my first son. I was hospitalized twice for my attempts. I finally got myself into therapy and began feeling well enough to attempt college. I graduated cum laude with an associates degree in journalism. Shortly after, I developed a skin condition from stress. I dropped out of college before I could complete my bachelors degree.

I had applied for disability in 2003 because I knew there was something just not right with me. I was finally awarded my disability in 2007. Now my days consist of me just trying to get through the day without sleeping. I'm constantly tired. I just want to sleep all the time. My son treats me worse than anyone ever has and it makes me incredibly depressed.

Depression is a horrible disease.