How does one begin a confession such as this? Perhaps by saying goodbye to the flimsy sense of security acquired through silence. So... goodbye.

I’ve often smiled inwardly, proud of the cold way I had found to distance myself. From everyone around me, but especially from myself. I have become an expert at disconnecting myself, inside from out. I never gave much thought to the downside. Caring less seems like a really great idea until you start to honestly miss being whole.

I rarely look people in the eyes anymore for fear of someone seeing through the glass that something is missing inside. Buyer beware signs and yellow caution tape, and me saying “it’s just like I said, or didn’t say.” I can only think of two or three people in this world who might be able to give an accurate description of the color of my eyes. There are days when even I am not one of them.

It has taken me years to figure out and admit that when my heart had to choose between him and me, it wisely chose him. It knew from experience that he would take far greater care of it than I could, because he loved me more than I would ever love myself. I’m not surprised or offended if he hasn’t noticed it there with him all this time, as I only perceived its true and complete absence just moments ago. It was always so small and quiet, wasn’t it? The sly devil... Here I have been all this time asking its opinions and hearing only silence. What does it mean when your own heart turns its back on you?

I guess that explains my perfect inability to truly love someone else, even if at times I would love to love again. The trail of broken hearts behind me are my red hands and ignorance.

I am finally seeing that so long ago, we were right. I have not felt such strange childish bliss as when all I had in this world was our love, and when that was all I wanted. And I have not found such a friend as he once was to me, before or since. I loved and lost with reckless abandon, and I think it all adds up in the end. His love may have been the most genuine that I would ever find in this lifetime. If not always, then from the moment we picked ourselves up from the fall, and my heart followed him home without me.

He showed me what life should be, if only for a relatively short time. Though I spent the last year or so trying to forget what he taught me, I guess I am glad I couldn’t. From the top, it’s all downhill. Yet I would rather have seen and believed in the top than forever go on only hoping.

~S.