Jane Austenitis

Researchers at Mansfield University have discovered a new and pervasive disease that is afflicting girls and women everywhere. It has relatively few discernable symptoms, so it’s not easily diagnosed, but experts predict that between 35 and 60% of the female population has contracted the disease to date.

Felisfinisosis, colloquially known as Jane Austenitis, is first detected when patients begin pulling away from reality and daydreaming about a superior existence. They may spend an unusually large amount of time reading Jane Austen books and watching Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth walk together down a country lane. This can interfere with normal functioning, and medical treatment should be sought.

Further damage to the patient is done as the victim begins to believe that all stories should have happy endings, that all men should tuck in their shirts, and that everyone will use the correct fork at a dinner party. Social graces and etiquette may become supremely important to the patient, alienating her from modern customs and making her feel like an outsider. She may read etiquette books for fun, yearning for a time when everyone knew how to behave.

Felisfinisosis is also attributed with leading women to believe that there is a wealthy, handsome, land-owning, intelligent man with a large estate who is waiting particularly for her to make his life complete. This belief can interfere with a satisfactory dating life. She may refer to the ideal man as one Mr. Darcy when she is alone or with other women suffering from felisfinisosis . The men who work in the patient’s office or attend church with her will never live up to the ideal, no matter how kind or attentive they are. Men despise felisfinisosis, and in this way, felisfinisosis affects both sexes equally.

Unfortunately, there are currently no known medical treatments for treating felisfinisosis. Lab rats infected with felisfinisosis continually ran to a picture of Colin Firth, even after rounds of injections of various drugs known to help delusional behaviors. However, researchers have found that reading the poetry of Sylvia Plath and the prose of Franz Kafka have a positive effect on felisfinisosis and help patients to face reality.

Dr. Lewis Falda of the University of Mansfield recommends that sufferers of felisfinisosis begin their days by reading a chapter of The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath or The Awakening by Kate Chopin. They are encouraged to spend time at football and baseball stadiums and to get plenty of exercise (taking long walks in long skirts doesn’t count).

With time and awareness education, the numbers of patients suffering from felisfinisosis should decrease. The researchers at the University of Mansfield are optimistic and foresee future developments in the treatment of sufferers. Said Dr. Marcia Youngman of the University, “We’re just glad Jane Austen only wrote 6 novels. Can you imagine the damage she could have done if she were as prolific as Stephen King?”