So, it seems there was this guy here in Chicago who walked into this popular tattoo parlor. He wanted to get a tattoo on his chest. According to some witnesses this gentleman was a little intoxicated. He wanted a fairly large tattoo apparently that would be on his stomach and his chest. It would feature a depiction of the John Hancock tower which is one of the big landmarks that makes up the Chicago skyline. Above that and across his chest he wanted the words “Chitown” written. For those of you who do not know that is one of the nicknames people attribute to Chicago.

Well, something went wrong. Exactly what is open to debate. According to the tattoo parlor the guy wrote down the name incorrectly. According to the person with the tattoo it was the tattoo artist who made the mistake. Regardless of who made the mistake what this guy ended up with was a tattoo of the John Hancock building and the word “Chi-Tonw” on his chest. Yes, the “w” and the “n” got mixed up. The gentleman is now suing the tattoo artist and the tattoo parlor for negligence and for damages he says he suffered because of people who have been mocking him for having “Chi-Tonw” on his chest.

This brings up several points as far as I am concerned. The first would be that perhaps this guy should just keep his damn shirt on. There is nothing more annoying, at least to me, than guys who seem to think that anytime they feel a tad warm it is acceptable to walk around anywhere and everywhere without a shirt. They drive without a shirt. They do yard work without a shirt. They go for walks in their shorts and no shirt. Guys, put a shirt on. You are not that sexy and no one really wants to gawk at your abs.

The second thing I would like to point out is that no one in Chicago actually refers to the place as “Chi-Town.” This is one of those nicknames that out of towners have affixed to the city but no one here actually calls the place. We also do not run around calling ourselves “The City With Broad Shoulders.” We are very proudly Chicago and we are not shy about it. Therefore the first word in that nickname, chi, is pretty much stupid and pointless. Therefore, you should not want to have the words “Chi-Town” emblazoned across your chest for all time, thank you very much.

Tattoos are something I have never understood. I don’t blame you if you have one or two for having them, but I personally have never understood the desire. Maybe that is because I have never looked at anything and wanted to mark my skin with that thing for the rest of my life. I just found out I am going to be an uncle for the first time. As much as I will love my niece or nephew, I do not think I will feel the need to ink their names under my skin for all time.

I am not a fan of needles. I have had high blood pressure most of my life and have had all kinds of medical tests throughout my life. This has meant needles have been stuck in my arms and the backs of my hands countless times. I have even spent days in the hospital having to deal with an I.V. in my hand for days. You would think needles wouldn’t bother me a bit. In fact all of that hospital time has done is increased my aversion to needles.

From what I know about tattooing it involves a needles coated with ink jabbed under your skin about nine billion times. Then, if you want multiple colors, the guy can change the color of the ink repeatedly. Now, as I understand it, the tattoo artist also uses a stencil. They don’t just freehand the thing in a professional tattoo parlor. This also makes me wonder about the guy who ended up with “Chi-Tonw” on his chest. Did he not look at the stencil? As I understand it you are supposed to look at the stencil and give the go-ahead to the tattoo artist to continue with the ink portion of the program.

Far too often tattoos involve alcohol. People all over the world, from time immemorial, have been going out and getting hammered only to wake up the next morning and discovering they now have some woman with bared breasts permanently across their back. To me any activity that requires most of those who participate in it to get completely drunk in order to do it is not for me. This is also why I tend to stay home during New Years Eve and Mardis Gras.

I am the same way about having things pierced. The way I see it, I was born with the correct number of holes necessary to function. I see no reason to add to this collection, thank you very much. Plus, don’t you just look a little cautiously at the guy with the hoops all along his eyebrows and the lip disc? I know I do. I wonder how he or she ever gets through airport security.

I have heard from people who have gotten tattoos that once you get one you always want another one. I have heard many say it is addictive. Judging by the people I know who have them I am guessing this is true. Almost everyone I have ever met, from my brother to acquaintances, who has one is either planning on getting another one or has gotten another one.

Now, I am all for art. I think some tattoo artists are indeed artists. But for me buying a painting is different from marking my body. I can hang a picture anywhere I want and gaze at it with a minimum of trouble. If it get a tattoo of some Picasso painting I like on my rear end how am I ever really going to see it without strategically placed mirrors and some form of contortion. Still, some people see their bodies as a canvas and they just want to make it pretty or something, I guess.

There are people willing to do a lot in order to permanently mark their bodies. I have heard of people who brand themselves. Exactly why they looked at cattle being branded and decided that was something they had to do, I cannot fathom. My brain just doesn’t work that way.

Of course, the worst and dumbest thing you can do is tattoo the name of a spouse or loved one on your body. You are just asking for that relationship to end by doing that. How many people out there still bear the markings of that long lost love of their lives? Probably far too many and too many without the money to get it removed.

I will stay tattoo free, thank you very much. You can call me a wimp and tell me I am missing out but I don’t care. At least I don’t have “Chi-Tonw” written across my chest.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.