The Art of Bullsh*t (How to Write A Papers Without Knowing Anything)

I always get A's in my English classes.

And I never read the assigned books.

No, it's not magic and it's not bribery. I've just learned how to write an A paper and, surprisingly; it doesn't take any talent, effort or knowledge. For those hard-core honor students preparing to send me angry IM's please, read on. You'll understand what I mean soon enough and then someday you'll thank me. Your lives are about to get a whole lot easier. But first you've got to challenge some basic assumptions...

BULLSH*T RULE NUMBER 1: Writing an A paper doesn't mean writing well.

Most people are too busy trying to write well to produce an A paper. Well just relax because teachers hate good writers and I mean HATE them. Every month at the full moon a gang of teachers gathers together and hunts through the town, capturing talented young writers and sacrificing them to their demon gods. And if you need further proof of how much teachers hate good writing, just take a look at your standardized testing. I've yet to find a single good writer that follows any of the accepted criteria.

So relax, stop worrying about writing well. Don't second-guess yourself. Checking your spelling is more than enough to get you all the points there are.

BULLSH*T RULE NUMBER 2: Keep it simple; your teachers are stupid and need your help.

Pick one or two ideas you know a lot about and tie everything you write into them. For example, let's say you're writing about Abraham Lincoln and the only thing you know about him is that he was the president who ended slavery. All you need to do is to make the entire essay about why slavery is a very bad thing. If you happen to know anything about other countries or civilizations that had slaves, or anything about the civil war you can throw that in too. Drop in a few mentions of Lincoln's name (no facts are required) and you've got yourself an essay.

BULLSH*T RULE NUMBER 3: Write the Unexpected, warp the essay to your interests

The trick to writing an A paper is to surprise your teachers. Even if you have the worst spelling in the world and grammar that makes your readers want to gouge their eyes out you can still ace an assignment by creating something unique. Teachers have to wade through dozens of essays every day that all say the same things. They're starved for a little variety and reward unique papers with high grades, no matter how poorly written.

So how do you surprise your teachers? By writing about whatever you want to! Most people write C or D papers because they don't like writing about the subject. Not all of us are freaks that enjoy analyzing plays and dissecting governmental policies. But why should those people have all the fun?

It's easy to turn any essay to your own purposes. Let's say you've got a prompt like, "what is a major theme in Romeo and Juliet?" Now the obvious answer, the one that everyone else will write about will have something to do with the tragedy of love or parental oppression. But that's not very interesting to you is it? But let's say you're a huge rock music buff. You wouldn't mind writing a page or two about rock music would you? But how do you tie it in? It's easier than you'd think.

Rock and roll is fundamentally about energy, passion and rebellion. All you have to do is start off your essay something like this,

"Romeo and Juliet is a classic piece of literature that has enjoyed performances in every part of the world. The themes of young love and youthful rebellion find an audience in every culture and every country. However, these themes have been empowering art of all kinds for centuries; from English theaters all the way to modern music. In it's own way, Rock and Roll is just as powerful in expressing these themes as any drawn-out monologue from a dusty textbook."

Then, all you have to do is write a few paragraphs about why you like Rock and Roll and list some of your favorite musicians and why they're popular. Just drop in a few references to Romeo and Juliet from time to time and you've got your essay. This works for any topic.

Penguins (Weathering the icy storm of their parents opposition)

Anime (Foreign art forms, whether from ancient England or modern Japan can be just as evocative as local mediums)

Dogs (The blind obedience of pets leaves them incapable of separating their lives from their owners, as is the same with human children)

You get the idea. Bear in mind that the essays I've mentioned only require the most minimal knowledge of Shakespeare’s play.

BULLSH*T RULE NUMBER 4: Use good words

Never use, “important” when you can use, “intrinsic” or, “complex” when you can use, “multifaceted”. However, it’s important to realize that, “bigger” doesn’t necessarily mean, “better”. Any fool can go open a thesaurus and find a gigantic synonym. The trick is to pick good words, not big word. Essays need to have a consistent tone, so it would be foolish to write in a casual tone, the way you speak in public, an d then throw in a word like, “antidisestablishmentarian”. It jar’s the reader and sticks out like a cheer leader in a convent. The trick is to use impressive words that hint at a higher thought process without them sounding forced. These words should be like spices, seasoning your essay. They shouldn’t make your eyes explode.

Here’s a simple test: Just say the word you’re thinking of using out loud. If it sounds like something you could imagine using in a conversation you’re in good shape. These words should surprise and delight the reader, not send them running for their dictionary.

BULLSH*T RULE NUMBER 5: Quotes are king, use them

If you want to write an A paper, make sure you throw in a few quotes. Whenever you can’t think of what to say, find someone else to say it for you. The best thing is that a knowledge of quotes demonstrate that the writer is knowledgeable and well-read. If you’re writing the essay at home, it’s a simple matter of typing the following into a Google search:

________________(essay topic here) quotes.

Find one you like and throw it down. It may take a few minutes but there’s some perfect, little known quote in those top few results that will bump your score up ten percent.

But when you have to write an essay in class you don’t usually have access to a search engine. The good thing is that you usually don’t need one. I have six or seven quotes memorized that I pull out whenever I need them. They’re good and general and can be slapped onto almost any essay. Here are a few of my staples:

“A rose by any other name still smells as sweet” William Shakespeare

“The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance.” Aristotle

“Life is a long lesson in humility,” James M. Barrie

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation” Henry David Thoreau

The nice thing is that introducing a quote is ridiculously easy. You can precede it with something like, “I can finally understand what ______________ meant by (insert quote here).” Or something as simple as, “In the words of ___________ (insert quote here).

Quotes are magical. They can help you kick an essay off or give you a great ending note. They fill space and make it look like you put a lot of thought into your answer. Just make sure you don’t overuse them. On average, one or two quotes per page is more than enough.

Well, that’s all for now. If this article is a success I’ll add additional parts. I have a few more tricks up my sleeve and I would be happy to share them. So if you liked this article and want more, make sure you give me a click at the top of the page. Remember, in the words of William Shakespeare, “The quality of mercy is not strained”. Hah, see, it works!