The best parents are the ones who choose not to have children. This is because they are mature enough to realize that life is much more enjoyable without diaper dutyI do not have children of my own, nor do I desire to have them. Please don’t assume I know nothing about parenting. By the time you finish reading this, I hope your eyes will be opened, regardless of the damage done by society and the voice of your mother saying “You must have children to carry on the family legacy and to keep the world turning”. First off, you do not have a legacy. You’re just one more person that no one will remember when you die. Your very own grandchildren won’t know your first name, but only refer to you as Great-Something-or-Other and will hate to be around you because your sense of smell has long died off and you don’t realize how badly you reek. If this tale makes just one more girl go out and get her tubes tied, I’ll have accomplished something great and, therefore, I will have a legacy, unlike you.

The kindling of my story starts with my outlook of the current immature genre of parents. Don’t get me wrong; I adore the thought of parents rolling around in the dirt like animals with their kids, eating insects and putting Crayola scented markers to work on other people’s white walls. What I really mean is that I’m tired of parents wanting to be ‘friends’ with their kids. I am under the impression that this illogical child-rearing method began in the 80’s. As I was being raised under more rational, parent-child concepts, my friends were smoking weed with their parents of which had obviously hit some baby-booming mid-life identity crisis. Let me make something clear: when you are 50, you are no longer 16. To me, this seems quite clear, but apparently this age gap confuses many. 50 year olds should embrace plastic surgery and fine dining, not crack pipes and binge-drinking games with the neighbor kids.

Our next mini-chapter of this discussion is the financial status of such breeders. If I look deep, it appears that more and more parents are realizing the need for financial security before starting families, but there are still the billions of newly wedded that weren’t meant for each other in the first place and decide that if they have kids, their falling-apart marriage of one month will improve upon popping one out. It’s unfortunate that these selfish ‘adults’ are having so many children, mooching off the Government for bread and milk, mooching off the State for a handy dandy Welfare check, mooching off just about anything they can, while somehow finding money to pay for acrylic nails, Coach bags, and vacations around the world. Have you ever thought that your kids might want assistance with college? Or did you realize the convenience of having the State pay for their college, while the rest of the hard-working Americans are spending their retirement money on college tuition for their children? Bottom line here: Get off your lazy ars and get a real job; if you must have kids, wait until you can afford to feed them legitimately before getting knocked up; and finally, stop making your in-laws babysit every-other evening because you’re out living the dream of being childless and cool and not having the dreaded ‘kids’ waiting for you at home.

Stop letting your kids play outside, in busy streets, naively thinking they are invincible. Did you know that just the other day, in Purcell, Oklahoma, a man by the name of Kevin Ray Underwood, was arrested for kidnapping a young girl playing outside her apartment complex? He decapitated her and performed cannibalistic activities involving her. Sick, I know, but those sickos are out there in every neighborhood and these things happen every day. These people having multiple kids and letting them flail about when and wherever are useless, waste-of-breathing space, trashy parents that just don’t care enough to keep tight grips on their offspring.

A final segment, for now, will be about discipline. When did spanking become abuse? I was spanked a countless number of times, yet, was never abused. You should not bargain with your children. Where have the parent-child relationships gone? If the logic and judgment of a 5-year old should be trusted enough for him/her to chose their punishment for biting the neighbor kid’s ear off, instead of getting a swift whooping and no dinner, then that same 5 year should have a full time job and understand the logic of an algebraic equation. You say this is not possible? Well, then stop letting a child with a small fraction of matured mentality make their own decisions. I turned out better than anyone I know. I give credit to the whoopings (and my mom).

The continuity of slipshod parenting must stop, and I’m counting on you, the public, to help me by saying “NO” to children! “YES” to abstinence, birth control, and pregnancy-preventive surgeries!

*For more great reading material, look for future Doll Girl submissions titled “Top 10 Reasons Being an Only Child is the Best” and “Pet Peeves: What I Hate About Your Parenting Habits”.