The Childfree Option

When I was a kid I sometimes hated the fact that I was born female. From what I'd seen, all little girls did was grow up and make babies and tend the house. That just wasn't my cup o' tea, and it still isn't.

Of course, once I got older and starting getting exposure to the world as a whole (rather than Midwestern small town values), I figured out that I had a lot more options available to me. By the time I hit college I was headed to the student health services to get on the Pill, just in case I found somebody of the opposite sex who was just that interesting.

These days, I'm still on highly effective birth control, and I have no intention of changing that. I'll be 28 in a week, and if I have a biological clock it's probably broken. Oh, don't get me wrong. My husband and I have a very healthy relationship on all levels. But neither one of us particularly wants children, and chances are that's not going to change.

There's a lot of societal pressure, though, to grow up, get married and have children (though recent news reports show that traditional nuclear families are now a minority). Even as intelligent and world-wise as my family and friends are, I still sometimes get the question "So, when are you guys having kids?" Not if--when. It's assumed that we will. The fact that the question is almost always phrased that way says a lot about the subtle undertones of our culture.

So it's not surprising to me, then, when I speak to people who are parents who say that if they had it all over again they probably wouldn't have had kids. It's not all parents, of course, but it happens enough to be a bit of a trend. And again it speaks to me of just how pervasive this meme is--grow up, get married, have children. People just assume they'll be having kids because it's expected of them. The thing is, though, sometimes this expectation is masked by "Yeah, we want kids"--and people often don't examine why they're saying that. Is it really because they want children? Or is it because they've been programmed by the grow up, get married, have kids meme? I think most people don't even really question this progression of things because it's such a deep part of our conditioning.

Now, don't get me wrong. I think most parents do want children, and even the ones who might do it differently if they had a second chance still love their kids and do the best they can for them. Still, I've talked to friends who knew they were unwanted children, raised only out of obligation, and I wonder...if their parents had really thought about the childfree option, had thought of it as an option, would they still have procreated?

I really don't think that enough people consider the childfree option. It's an option, mind you, not an obligation. If you really want kids, go for it! (Just make very, very sure you know what you're getting into as far as time and financial investments go!) But if you're not sure, don't feel that you have to just because it may be expected of you. If you go and have kids, and then regret it later, it could be disastrous for you, the other parent, and the young ones themselves. Take your time and don't rush into things. And, for all that's holy, remember that having a baby is NOT a quick fix your relationship problems. If you and your significant other are having problems, that's about the last environment you want to bring a young, impressionable little person into!

So why would anyone want to be childfree? After all, babies are adorable, and having a family can be a really rewarding experience for everyone involved. Additionally, some people feel it's their moral/religious obligation to keep the species going--it's not something I believe, but hey, whatever floats your ark.

--Time: Kids take up a LOT of time. Until they're old enough for preschool, somebody's got to keep an eye on them 24-7. Three year old kids are not three year old dogs; you can't leave them out in the back yard alone while you drive off to run errands. And even when you're working and the kids are at school, you're still going to have to dedicate a significant amount of your evenings and weekends to them. No more spontaneous nights out on the town, no more last minute travel plans. It's not just you and the love of your life--it's now two plus however many younglings you have, and everybody's got to be accounted for.

Conversely, my husband and I both work 40 hour a week jobs (unless we're between contracts, in which case we spend 40 hours a week job hunting and continuing our training in relevant software and other skills). However, we're also published authors and freelance writers. Because we don't have kids to worry about, we can get our writing done and still have time for social lives and relaxation. We go out of town a lot for book signings, too, as well as take random weekend trips. We probably couldn't do that if we had kids. We have friends with kids who envy us our side careers--"If we only had the time...." they sigh. If you have big plans for your life, plan on holding off on kids for a while, if not indefinitely or permanently. Having kids is basically a full-time job in and of itself, and you need to figure out whether you're willing to give up any side ventures and instead invest your time in your family. And I've talked to enough stay at home parents that I figure the chances of you actually having the time to get anything done, even when the kids are at school, are nowhere near as good as if you had no kids at all.

--Money: I said it above and I'll say it again--kids are expensive! From the hospital copays when the child is born, to toys and clothing as s/he grows up, to college tuition, children eat up hundreds of thousands of dollars in their first 22 years. (Okay, so they stop officially being children when they're 18, but you're still covering college costs til graduation, and they'll always be your children, no matter what the government says about them being all grown up now). It's even worse if you don't have health insurance, or if your family is just getting by financially and your kids decides to want the newest video game console and will not accept anything less when Christmas comes around. You don't have to give in to them, but toys and such in general are getting more expensive.

Not having children frees up a good deal of our paychecks. We've already got some good investments going, and are working on a decent savings. Additionally, the financial strain when one of us is out of a contract is a lot less than if we had kids to pay for, and if somehow we both end up between contracts at once we're not entirely out of luck. Plus having extra makes those spontaneous trips out of the house/out of town (or, for that matter, the planned ones) a lot easier to cover financially.

These are two of the biggest reasons we've chosen the childfree option. There's nothing wrong with kids, and we like the kids our friends have. We just have no desire to have them ourselves, and we enjoy the additional freedom we have as a result. It's not necessarily for everyone. However, before you go having kids just because your parents want grandkids, or because you're expected to, or because of the grow up, get married, have children meme, consider the benefits of the childfree option and whether this lifestyle works for you. Even if you do decide to have kids down the line, having some time as an adult without the concerns of parenthood can be very beneficial and help you figure out realistic long-term plans.