Congratulations! You, a discriminating Conservative, have made the difficult choice to allow your relationship with a member a gender that is not your own to progress to the next stage while in a state of holy matrimony for the express purpose of keeping the planet populated. As a Conservative, you of course have shielded yourself from the immoral influences of those who commit acts too vulgar to name here, and you may therefore be confused about the actual processes involved in the production of children. Never fear! In his guide we shall discuss these processes without resulting to common vulgarity.

You will need:

• Wedding rings
• A photo from your wedding.
• Your birth certificates
• A competent lawyer
• A priest of the religion you and your spouse practice
• A copy of your marriage certificate
• A bed with opaque sheets
• A full set of clothing for each of you
• A private, windowless room
• Human anatomy charts (with the unmentionable areas marked over, of course)
• A CD or record player and a recording of some loud but appropriate music. Wagner’s Parsifal is recommended, cued to the part where Klingsor rids himself of impurity.
• A wiretap detector

STEP ONE:
Verify that you and your spouse are wearing wedding rings.

STEP TWO:
Look at your wedding photo. Look at your spouse. Verify that the person whose children you are helping to produce is indeed the person you married.

STEP THREE:
Consult your lawyer. Verify that you are still married (remember to have him/her review your marriage certificate.) If not, remain celibate for the rest of your life.

STEP FOUR:
Repeat the process of step three with your priest.

STEP FIVE:
Consult your birth certificates to verify that you are both of the proper age. If either one of you is younger than thirty-five, stop immediately.

STEP SIX:
Enter the private, windowless room. Verify the privacy of this room by sweeping it with the wiretap detector. Remember, it is your job to guard others against impure thoughts.

STEP SEVEN:
Consult the anatomy charts and compare your spouse to them. If you are a man, verify that your spouse is indeed a woman, vice versa for a woman. If you have questions about your own gender (having never conducted a self-examination before) now is a good time to check. (NOTE: the hair color of the people in the anatomy charts is not how to determine gender. Don’t make this all-too-common mistake. As in the charts, a woman’s chest will be blacked out, while a man’s generally is not.)

STEP EIGHT:
Play the CD or record to drown out any socially unacceptable noises that might be made.

STEP NINE:
Turn out the lights.

STEP TEN:
Climb into bed. Remain clothed until you are safely under the sheet, then remove only the clothes needed for procreation (see the next step if you are confused by this.)

STEP ELEVEN:
Begin the process of procreation. This is accomplished by inserting one of the man’s protuberances into one of the woman’s orifices. If you have selected the wrong protuberance or orifice, you will know because you will be immediately and irrevocable damned. If you have selected the correct protuberance and orifice you should be rewarded with a child sometime in the next eight to ten months.

IMPORTANT NOTE: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU ENJOY ANY OF THIS.