The Face and Voice of the Abusive Partner

It lurks behind the worn doors of third-floor apartments in disadvantaged neighborhoods, behind the polished front doors of neatly maintained homes in the suburbs, behind the rustic wood of country homes and in the luxury apartment across the hall. It waits until someone decides its time for someone to find a punching bag - physical or "just" verbal - because that someone is feeling bad for some reason, and when that someone feels bad he needs to feel better by getting that sick enjoyment of feeling powerful over someone smaller or weaker than he is. Drugs, alcohol, and ignorance are its friend, but it often doesn't even need those to thrive because it lives deep in the dark soul of the abuser.

The abuser may not have been born with ugly facial features, but when he becomes consumed by his evil it turns his face ugly in a way one would never imagine such good-enough features could turn. The ugliness can be seen in his eyes, which have turned from living eyes to dead eyes; and from him comes a monstrous voice that is nothing that sounds like "the real him" (when he's not like this). His words don't match reality. Its as if he's finding the ugliest of words from some secret place where words so hurtful, belittling, and ugly are stored. They almost seem like play money as compared to real money in the currency of words.

First he must find reason to enjoy this luxury of self-indulgence, so he will go through his mind, searching for things with which he's not happy. He may ask his victim a question, expecting for a certain answer; and when that answer is the wrong answer he has his excuse to go into his sick action. His victim may not answer his questions out of fear the words are not the words he wants, but when he gets silence but has demanded an answer this, too, gives him his reason to begin to let rage creep over him until the rage is clearly pleasure for him, and the control he has begins to satisfy his narcisstic need to feel superior.

He is a shameful coward who hurts those who at least loved him once, and when he has tired of his violent and somehow seemingly sexual rooted rage he may go off somewhere to sleep, satisfied once again and for now. When he wakes or on another day he is remorseful and may be kind. His victims don't know which person he is, and often believe he is "the nice him" unless "it happens again". It is difficult for his victims to reconcile the different personalities he seems to have, and maybe victims - more than anybody - see his pathetic weakness as an illness rather than as narcissism and control.

He brings a cloud over his home when he is there and leaves a cloud over his victims when he is long gone. How cowardice and weakness and lack of self-control can join together and turn into a monster is something that can seem difficult to comprehend. He is not a nice guy who is mean sometimes. He is a mean individual who pretends to be nice sometimes. When his victims show strength it sets him off. When they show vulnerability he gets even worse. When they show nothing it infuriates him too. They cannot win. He will win, one way or another; and if they try to leave it will try to find a way to win yet again. He turns a home into a hell, and if his victims walk out the front door one day they don't feel that they are leaving home. For them it is the other side of that front door where peace and refuge are.

Domestic violence is often a secret, but it is also a secret that, when shared, is not always believed. It is ugly, and there is no fixing it. There is only walking away from it, and even then it sometimes follows its victims.