The Hottieness Factor in the Presidential Election

I like to watch reality TV just to clear my mind of all the distractingly serious thoughts that run through it pretty much constantly. One of my favorite shows for its sheer mindlessness is TMZ on the Fox network, which dispatches paparazzi all over the planet and reports back on the hapless celebrities it spies on. Last night one of the young TMZ reporters declared, after a video of Sarah Palin was aired, that he had never imagined voting for McCain before, but now that he had chosen somebody “hot” to run with him, he was seriously considering voting for him.

At first, of course, as a serious-minded political junkie and liberal, I was morally outraged. But then I thought about it and decided that, considering how meaningless and trivial these presidential elections have become, and how rare any real change for the good ever happens no matter who ends up in the White House, maybe the TMZ kid with the raging hormones is right. Why not choose your future presidential team on the basis of who’s the hottiest? At the very least, it’d make the U.S. look dishier on the world stage. And our White House hotties would be better able to compete for media attention with foreign hotties like the ex-model/rock groupie Carla Bruni, First Lady of France.

This election is being heavily promoted as “historic” because of a black male presidential candidate and a female vice presidential candidate. Maybe so, but does that really matter to most voters? I say we all need to lighten up and forget the tedious political issues that nobody can agree on anyway. After all, nothing much is going to change in corrupt-up-the-wazoo Washington, whether the Democratic or the Republican team wins.

So let's focus on the important issues. First, I will analyze the four candidates and their spouses on the basis of age, with the idea that it’s always better to put younger people in office because they’re less likely to collapse and die on you.

Let’s do the math. First, the Obama Team. Barack is 47, with a 44-year-old wife. Veep candidate Joe Biden at 65 has a wife who’s 57. Grand Age Total = 213.

The McCain Team has a 72 year old running for President. His wife is 54. His Veep choice is 44, as is her husband. Grand Age Total = 214.

A difference of only one year is, of course, not statistically significant. So let’s dispense with the age factor and go for the jugular, i.e., what team has the hottiest members based on my patented Hottie Meter.

Let’s start with Barack Obama’s team. Michelle has said that when she first laid eyes on Barack she thought he was very handsome. Try to picture him without that super-short cut that makes his big ears stick out and diverts attention from his really attractive face. Google some of his older photos, back when he had an Afro. I think you’ll agree that he was definitely a babe back then. So I’m giving him credit for past hunkiness based on hairiness. I rate him a 9.

As for Michelle, Barack has called her beautiful more than once, and while I wouldn’t go that far (because she doesn’t smile enough, which lights up her lovely face), she ain’t bad: slender, tall and fit. I rate her a 9.

I have a personal weakness for mature men with white hair, so call me crazy but I like Joe Biden’s looks a lot. And unlike Michelle, he loves to smile, which is a good thing because he has a huge mouthful of teeth that are a tribute to his orthodontist, as PBS anchor Jim Lehrer commented the other night. So I rate him a 10.

Biden’s teacher wife Jill has been described by Joe as “drop dead gorgeous”. Can’t say that I agree because I’m not partial to blondes, but that’s just me, and even I will admit that she’s one of the best-looking 57 year olds around. And clearly, Barack agrees with Joe’s assessment, because he gave Jill a very public kiss smack dab on the lips the third night of the convention that was the talk of the Internet for about fifteen minutes (you can watch the replay on YouTube). I rate her an 8.

So the Obama Team, based on my personal preferences, earns a Grand Hottie Total of 37.

What about the McCain Team? Well, to be blunt, nobody would ever accuse John McCain of being a pretty boy. John wears his hair just like a lot of men who are self-conscious about encroaching baldness and trying to fool the world--in a solid white sideways cap pasted to his head. And that bump on his left cheek from cancer surgery doesn’t help either. I rate him a 5.

On the other hand, John’s mega-rich beer heiress wife Cindy is quite a looker, if you like blondes, of course. I don’t, so I rate her a 7.

McCain’s vice presidential pick, brunette Sarah Palin, a prolific breeder and former runner-up in the Miss Alaska contest, is an officially certified beauty, and, I suspect, wears those glasses not because of visual problems but to give herself a more intelligent look. I rate her a 9 (I’d give her a 10 without the glasses).

Palin’s husband Todd, an oil company worker and snowmobile champ, is pretty hunky in my book: tall, dark and handsome, albeit a trifle greasy looking (must be from all that oil). I rate him a 9.

Grand Hottie Total for the McCain Team is 30.

So on my Hottie Meter, the Obama Team wins by seven points. Not exactly a slam dunk, but it’s significant enough for me to make an informed decision about who I want to feast my eyes on in the White House for the next four to eight years. But you might not agree with me. Hottieness is in the eye of the beholder and I have my own requirements, so you’ll have to use yours to choose your favorite candidates.

Having said that, who would I rate the biggest hottie in this election cycle? I’ve gotta confess that I mourn the loss of gorgeous, red-headed Elizabeth Kucinich, who, of all the candidates and their spouses, was the hottiest (and youngest) by far. Throw in that fetching British accent, and she more than made up for any lack of hottieness on the part of her husband, affectionately known as The Veganator to his supporters.

What’s the moral of my story? When it comes to presidential politics, just keep it simple. In our wonderfully shallow 21st century TMZ world, where voters make decisions based on sound bytes and sight bytes, it’s important to get your priorities straight and remember that at the end of the day, hottieness counts more than anything else.