(Part 1 of many)

The Land of Forwards and now, thanks to MySpace, Bulletins - These little beauties have been plaguing the web for what seems like forever and people keep on sending the same ones over and over again without ever learning a single god damned lesson. Let's first start by naming each type of infamous "Fwd" there is;

1. The Questionnaire - Classic email listing questions (usually completely ridiculous amounts) that tell who you are, what you like, and how you act. These things are complete time wasters and I can only pity the people who not only fill them out, but the ones who spend the time to make them up. Really, what the hell is the point in sending a list of hobbies and favorites to your friends who probably already know what you like and do, I just don't give a flying fuck!?

2a. Guilt Trips 'R' Us - There are two types of guilt stories and both of them make me laugh. We first start with the ones that tell a sad story about how some guy or girl has lost something in their life, gotten cancer, been killed etc, and unfortunately such stories usually succeed in massacring the English language while getting across a pity party for a story telling you to send it to so many friends in so many minutes or be doomed to hell forever because sending this message to so many people will earn the person so much money.. This stuff is ridiculous, there is no way to track how many people this email reaches and I have no clue why people start these damned things in the first place. My theory is someone is looking for a wealthy donor to actually donate money to whatever fund is in the message, and so they make up the shitty stories in hopes to get lucky.

2b. Forced Religion: Feel Guilty for Your Savior – These just flat out piss me off. Most people know I’m not a very religious person, and my views are askew from the orthodox beliefs, but this astounds me that people actually get suckered into sending these emails through guilt. It’s one thing to praise your Savior, but it’s entirely another to be forced through guilt through a message like this, “96% of the people won’t resend this.” Shouldn’t religion be voluntary, shouldn’t praising be because you want to, and not because you are pressured to? Mainstream religions really befuddle me sometimes…

3. To Love…Or Not to Love? That isn’t the question, but the itch I’m getting to shoot them in the face should be – Yeah, these are just wasted space. I mean, most of them are just giving you shy people a way to tell a person if you like them or not, and guess what. If you don’t post within 10 minutes your love life will be cursed forever! Ahhhh!

4. Poems, Lyrics, Fucking Piles of Shit that shouldn’t be clogging my email! – Now that we have that settled let’s address this issue; I DON’T WANT THESE SHITTY ASS RHYMES THAT YOU PEOPLE THINK PASS AS POEMS! They are horrid and I have no desire to read them whatsoever…Just stop. Oh, guess what, don’t send it to 5 people in 2 minutes…shitty sex. Seems to be a pattern.

5. Cheezy Sex Stories From The Twilight Zone – Yes, the sex stories that sometimes circulate through the mail system. The stories so full of unbelievable, impossible scenarios that you can only laugh at the effort put into writing them. You then pity whatever fool is actually reading them and getting horny hoping that something such as whatever was in the story would actually happen to him.

6. [Insert Shit Here] – Ok, so these were funny about the first 10 times I saw them, but now they are just lame. So you pick the month you were born, the year of the same, and the day of that month you were brought into this half-ass world and it then gives you a mad lib-esque sentence that is supposed to be funny. Grah I hate you people!

7. Survey Says, “You Should Go Cut Yourself” – The survey forwards ask you certain questions and then tell you some shitty fact because of how many you answered or how you answered. I swear these are worse than the Phone-a-physics that you see during daytime television.

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Ok, so I ranted a bit there, but these really bug me. Comment on any disagreements, etc, or any that I left out. If you have a beef about the religion issue you can talk to me over MSN or AIM. I’m sure I’ll have blogs in the future further explaining my theology. It recently spawned into something I can actually accept.

~Corbs