Dear Mayor of Loch-Ness Area

(Through The Complaint Dept.)

I have to inform you with infinite sadness that I will have to immediately leave the area and immigrate to Lake Kwan – Ho on the upper regions of the China- Siberia border (I am still exploring various options) if my grievances are not taken care of.

My complaints are simple – 1. Please keep my Lake clean and remove foreign objects within a radius of 2 miles of my abode. You are failing miserably in that and only yesterday I managed to evade a costumed film crew. 2. Provide genuine and quality costume and inculcate correct mannerisms in the duplicate you have installed to attract traffic and tourism – its spoiling my name and eroding my mystic value to be trumped about like a common variety garden snake. 3. The last photograph, they took of the imposter was terrible – it was too close and looked a laughable, ugly caricature. Either prevent photography or make them take it at a distance. My reputation has been irrevocably damaged by that one single picture.

In case you feel inclined to toss this missive into the fire (as I am informed you normally do), let me just point out the consequences.

On my migration, generations of humans will make this particular hill town lake in China their tourist destination and the legend of Kwan – Ho monster will live and thrive there.

I will make sure (through innuendo and then the paparazzi, Green Earth, etc will catch on surely), the World knows that the Loch-Ness monster is a dressed up rubber hose. Preserve your reputation if you can then!

Believe me Mayor, you will be hounded out of town with family. I don’t think the inefficient boating service your Brother –in - law runs in the Loch-Ness will survive the scandal. And the floating eatery run by your mistress will have to close down too. Do I have to cite more examples, like for instance the names your kids will be called at school?

Yours sincerely aggrieved

The Great Loch-Ness Monster

PS - All the facts provided are indubitably fictitious and have absolutely no resemblance to any living character, geography, incident (except by accident).

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