The Material Girl: Ironically, a Little Too Pretentious

Oh, Madonna. You know I love you. But this pseudo-punk image you put on for 2001's Drowned World Tour? It just isn't working for me. It's giving me hives. I really wanted to watch your video. Why did you have to make it so hard to palate?

It's not just the carefully tattered stage outfit, either- it's the whole manufactured attitude. It's the formulaic and rehearsed way in which your dancers are oh-so-rebelliously spitting their "beer" out on stage. It's the bored and contrived way in which you end a song- one on which you appear to be playing guitar, yet no guitar can actually be heard (thank you, soundguy)- with "Fuck you, motherfuckers."

Really, Madonna? Fuck us? Fuck all your fans, even the 12 year old girls? Because they've been so terrible to you and haven't managed to make you millions? Come on. I know you don't really mean that. Sure, it's just a show. This is entertainment, after all, where nothing is as it seems. But I gotta tell you, the disaffected gutter kid just doesn't suit your act. No one's made any bones about your acting ability; it should come as no surprise that a persona so far removed from your usual one of dance-pop idolatress is far from believable. Plain and simple: you can't pull it off. If that memo didn't make it to your desk, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you- but someone needed to. On the other hand, I haven't seen you break out the safety pins since your last album was released, so it's possible your advisors have made note of the incongruity and prohibited further dress of this style. If that's the case, I sincerely hope they stick to their guns, because sweetie, going back to your roots and resurrecting spandex leotards really works for you. Seriously. I'm enjoying the current phase of your fashion life, personally.

However, the transition back to legwarmers occurred too late to make this Drowned tour anything more than a testicle-shrinking joke. I regret to tell you that this show has nothing on Janet's HBO-televised "Live from Maui" concert.