Hello, and welcome to the pool. No, you can’t run around it. Just get in it. I don’t understand why kids love running around the pool. You can run on concrete at school. But you don’t have a pool at school. Just swim in the pool and be happy.

Hey, don’t push her

Because I said so. I’m the lifeguard, and what I say goes.

God damn kids, they never listen. I guess I didn’t listen when I was a kid either. I want to believe that their ears are filled with water, and that’s why they can’t hear me. But I don’t think that’s the case. Some of them wear earplugs, but most of them don’t.

Hey, you’re standing too close to the filter. Swim in a little further.

Yes, that’s better.

Pools bring out the best and the worst in people. Maybe it’s because in the water, you’re different. I’ve seen disabled kids really tear it up in the water. These kids can’t walk on land. They dream of basketball and standing still on the people movers at the airport. But in the water, their arms make them better. They can win at sports like all of the normal kids. I wonder if they spend extra hours in the bathtub. Pruny toes must seem like nothing when your legs don’t work.

Scuse me, you can’t swim in the deep end. It’s adult swim only

Well, when you’re an adult, maybe you can swim there too.

Sometimes I put my toes in. It’s weird that I’m a lifeguard and I don’t like to swim anymore. I’ve been in all kinds of water. I went swimming in a pond one time with my girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend now, but it wasn’t the ponds fault. We were naked. Almost. I was naked. She had on underwear. She was afraid of being naked because she had seen Jaws. Her underwear was red and white striped. I still get a hard on when I see candy canes.

No, you can’t take that in the pool

You can’t wear normal shoes in the pool. Put them over by your other things.

Being a lifeguard at a community pool is a buzzkill with women. I go out sometimes, and they ask me what I do. And I tell them. Why am I a 34 year old life guard at a community pool? There are reasons. Why are you an intellectual property lawyer? There are reasons. You’re just as useless as me. But I never tell the women that, they’re sensitive. I don’t want to be mean.

No eating in the pool.

No, if you eat, your stomach cramps.

You could die. If your stomach cramps.

I guess that people do drown sometimes, in the pool. Very bizarre. This body of water with inflatable alligators and baby inner tubes is a potential grave. I guess it’s better than the ground with a stone headstone and occasional flowers. My sister died in a pool. I don’t remember it well. Maybe I do. I was young. I think I was young. I thought she was a baby doll. I thought she was floating, just like a doll. It was beautiful and I didn’t understand blood at the time, so I thought it was art. I thought she was asleep in the water with this beautiful red matter dancing around her quiet body.

I went inside once I got bored and ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. Maybe it was just peanut butter. I didn’t think about my sister at all, until my mom asked where she was. We went outside and I listened to my mother scream. I hate it when people scream.

Oh he pushed you? Tell him I said not to.

Tell him the lifeguard said pushing is wrong.

You know, I have yet to rescue anyone. I’ve never saved a life. I don’t know if I could. I have the training, but who knows. But I guess you’ve never saved a life either. So we’re equals.

He says he peed in the pool?

There’s no peeing in the pool.

It’s gross. No peeing in the pool.

I think I’m going to get a chipwhich. They’re pretty good, you ever had one? I’m going to take a break and get one. I’m hungry. Today could be the day when I save someone, but I’m hungry right now. Besides, what we say about cramping? It’s BS. You can swim fine on a full stomach. Don’t listen to what everyone tells you. Sometimes people are wrong. I’m going to get a chipwhich, put some more sunscreen on my nose, and then get back to work. Today could be the day that I save someone.