During my day-to-day travels, I’m always amazed at how much people don’t know about cheese. Yes, I am probably jaded because I’ve been working with cheese for more than a decade, and most of my business associates “speak cheese.” So, when I go back into the non-cheese-expert world, I have to actually explain myself when I say things like “terroir” and “rennet,” or when I use the word “Alpine” to describe not a mountain range, but a cheese.

One of the side-effects of being a well-known Cheese Snob is that nearly everywhere I go, people ask me cheese questions, cheese advice, etc. I also get emails from strangers seeking cheese information. This is fine. I love to talk about cheese. But, similar to the experience of many doctors and lawyers, all the requests for free advice can make me just a wee bit resentful. After all, cheese is my profession, and cheese is my habit. Just two of the millions of reasons I need to get paid for my expertise.

I like solutions, and I think a lot on the subway. So, the other night, as I was riding home after a long day, I came up with a brilliant idea: The $3.00 Cheese Question. A person can ask me a Cheese Question, and I will answer that question, for only $3.00.

Who wouldn’t pay a measly three dollars for excellent cheese advice and information? (It’ll be like “Dear Abby,” but in this case, maybe it should be called “Dear Cheese-Snobby.”) What makes it better than the typical magazine-based advice column is that I will answer every cheese question*; in magazines, you write to Hints From Heloise and pray Heloise prints your question about how to remove those rings drinking glasses make on wooden tables. The Cheese Snob will answer your question personally, right to the inbox of your email account*. Beat that, Dan Savage!

You really can ask me anything about cheese. I’ve answered questions about such topics as the history of cheese, the cheesemaking process, different animals’ milks used for cheese, definitions of cheesemaking terms, pairing cheese with other foods, good Italian cheeses, why some cheese has holes, and so much more.

I would like to post some of the best questions (and my answers) on my cheese blog, The Caseophile http://caseophile.blogspot.com/ , but if you prefer I not do so, please say so. It’s your $3.00. If you don’t want to share, I’ll respect that.

So here’s how it works:
1. Go to my website www.cheesesnob.com and click on contact us. Send me your cheese question.
2. Within a few days, I’ll write you back with my paypal information.
3. Once I receive confirmation you’ve paid $3.00, I’ll answer your question.

It’s that easy!

*Of course there are rules.

· Depending on the depth of your question, it may take me a few days to do the research. Without sounding arrogant, I do have a lot of cheese knowledge stored up in this noggin; some questions may require extra research, while others will be answered on-the-spot.

· There are no dumb cheese questions. I’ve heard them all, trust me. Just like your teacher used to say: The only dumb question is the one you haven’t asked.

· That said, Serious inquiries only, please. If you really want to spend $3.00 to ask me a smart-ass question, be my guest. I’ll take your money. Don’t worry about that.

· Just like Jeopardy, all questions must be in the form of, well, a question.

· $3.00 gets you the answer to one question. If you’d like to ask more questions, feel free to do so, but you must pay $3.00 for each answer.

· I reserve the right to refuse to answer any question for any reason, or no reason. If you haven’t been contacted with my paypal information, that means I’m not taking your question.

· People who expect to pay $3.00 to ask me questions such as “Will you tell me everything you know about cheese?” will be dealt with accordingly.

· There are no refunds. I am a professional – my honor as a Cheesemonger depends on me treating the subject of cheese with respect. I will do my best to thoroughly answer every serious question. But if you don’t like or agree with my answer, I will not refund your $3.00.

If there is something about this process you don’t understand, please contact me through my website, as instructed above, and I will do my best to help you. Don’t worry, I won’t charge you for that!

Cheese Snob Wendy has been known to keep cheese in her purse in case of emergencies. If you have a Cheese Emergency, please contact her at www.cheesesnob.com.