Her father had her in a chastity belt by her fourth birthday, and had thrown the key away to the royal lions. Young boys watched, captivated by the princess’ beauty, and listened intently as the King pronounced that the princess would marry any man who would bravely recover the key from the belly of the lion who had swallowed it. Captivated by this young beauty, he memorized the face of the lion who swallowed the key and swore that he would fight the lion to gain the princess’ respect and win her love…

Actually, this bitch was royally ugly. The day she hit puberty every mirror in the palace shattered at the sight of her pimply, mustachioed reflection. Everybody in the palace walls was ordered to pretend that the princess was the most beautiful creature on the planet to protect her fragile self-image.

Young Harry’s real plan was to marry the princess, “accidentally” lose the key (to avoid the possibility of intimacy on his honeymoon with a freaking ogress), make off with a ton of gold and jewels and retire in the Bahamas where he would smoke pot and die.

Little did he know, the princess also had a plan. She, believing herself to be the personification of pure hotness, had always feared that men only liked her for the way she looked. In reality, gentlemen wooed her in spite of her looks, for fear of meeting an early fate at the guillotine. And so, the clever girl had designed the contest as a trap for the perverts. She really believed that any man worthy of her love would kill the lion and refuse the key to her chastity belt, proving that he thought of her as more than just a pretty-faced princess she had always believed herself to be. Of course, once the guy completed this challenge, the key would be returned to him and the new couple would f--k like rabbits.

Harry set out the next day to negotiate the key from the lion’s bowels. When he arrived at the palace, he was shocked to see that a queue had already formed before the gates, and wound all the way around the palace walls. Naturally, the King had made the event obligatory for all eligible bachelors of the kingdom, not wanting his daughter to be shamed. Harry waited his turn, overhearing many hushed conversations about the irony of choosing to fight a lion over conceding to a swift beheading by the court. When his turn came, he just walked up and shot the motherfucker in the gut. He grabbed the thin, glistening slice of metal from the opening in the lion’s flesh, and held it up to the sky, amidst huge cheers from the spectators in the stands. Harry hoped he would be temporarily blinded by the high noon sun so he could actually look towards the hideous princess in her crusty pus-filled eyes without vomiting.

The entire kingdom watched to see what he would do, pitying the poor man who would now be expected to marry the freakish she-man. As the princess took a minute to check out the victorious suitor approaching her, she saw that he was totally butt fucking ugly! Although she had wanted a man who would like her for who she was inside, she shuddered at the thought of having to bear his ugliness weighing on her the night of their wedding.

When he turned and chucked the key back to the lion, he heard the sound of a thousand people letting out bloodcurling screams. Apparently, Harry had been so blinded by the sun’s summer rays that he could barely make out basic forms three feet in front of him and had unwittingly hit the princess square in the keyhole with his misguided pitch. At the moment when her chastity belt fell to the ground, the entire kingdom was instantly blinded by the sight of the foul princess’ gnarly, cobwebbed snatch. Some passed out cold from the stench alone. So now everybody in the arena except for the princess was either unconscious or totally f---ing blind, and of course Harry didn’t know what the hell was going on. Thinking that the crowd’s cries were a warning to him that the lion had gotten up and was coming to take revenge, he flexed his muscles and braced himself for a fight. The lion, mistaking the princess’ crotch rot for dying prey, leaped onto the princess, tore her to pieces, and ate her for dinner. Sick.

When the people in the crowd recovered their senses, they saw Harry flexing his huge guns over the princess’ remains, and a large, contented king of the jungle basking in the warm dirt. Harry didn’t know what to think. Others did: they assumed Harry had killed the princess in contempt of her exposed uglies. For a good five minutes, nobody in the stadium said a word. Then, a man rose and slowly started clapping. Others followed suit. It appeared the entire arena was giving Harry a standing ovation.

Today is the anniversary of the day Harry fought a lion, inadvertently caused the death of a princess, and saved the men of the kingdom from the threat of having to court a total butterface. Go ahead, take the day off.