The Way Things Should Be

In these modern times it somehow seems that people are getting more and more idiotic. Well, maybe idiotic might be too strong of a term. I think people are just too wrapped up in themselves. There are far too many people who feel they are entitled to things. They seem to think that, just because they are here, they have a right to do whatever the hell they want whenever the hell they want and anyone who has a problem with it can just go to hell.

That's too bad. There should be repercussions for the everyday annoyances that people do that make life for the rest of us so difficult. As the rest of humanity we should be allowed to enact our own forms of justice against people who violate what should be the standard rules of operation for people everywhere.

For example, if you happen to be driving and you slow down to a near stop just to turn right on an open road where you could actually turn at almost full speed, the rest of us should be allowed to follow you to your destination and either berate you or perhaps throw some kind of fruit at you. I am not advocating the throwing of any dangerous fruit such as melons or fruit that could cause serious bodily harm. I am thinking a few strawberries. Look, most of your cars today have stability control and steering meant to handle sharp turns. If you turn onto that street and only slow down a little bit, it is very unlikely you will tip over. Remember, there are about two million cars right behind you looking to keep driving and the last thing they need is to come to a complete stop so you can make a turn slower than a glacier.

If your boss stands up and starts using buzzwords continuously in a speech then you should be allowed to either fall asleep, throw fruit or perhaps taser the man until he shuts up. No one should have to waste your time and productivity by using words like "productivity" or "metrics." Also, bosses should either have all of the rules figured out before they assign things to you or they should tell you that the thing isn't entirely worked out yet but they would appreciate your help in working out the details. Then you and your boss can do a little bit of the project, see how it looks, make the changes and then keep working on those few things until you have the wrinkles worked out. There is nothing more irritating that spending weeks working on something only to have the boss tell you that all of that work needs to be redone because he suddenly decided it would look or perform better another way.

Cell phones should not be used in the car. If you are drifting from one lane to another without the slightest concern for whether or not there are people behind you and it turns out you have a cell phone to your ear your car should be towed, mulched and your phone should be put into a food processor. You should then be banned from using a cell phone for a period up to four years and condemned to use the few remaining public phones you still might find laying around somewhere.

Your phone should be stripped from you for up to ten years if, at any point, you walk into an elevator while on the phone and shout, "yeah, I'm on an elevator so if I cut out I'll call you back." Hang up the damn phone before you get on the elevator and call the person back once you get to your designated floor. Anyone in the elevator with that person breaking the rules should be allowed to take their phone and drop it down the elevator shaft and I am also thinking a tasering would be in order.

You phone should not be on when you are checking out or paying for anything and it is your turn to pay. Shut off the damn phone, use both hands to find your money and handle your purse or wallet and call them back once you have completed your transaction. There are people behind you and their lives are as important as yours. They do not want to stand there while you attempt to talk to Aunt Sally while also writing a check and putting your groceries or purchases on the counter. You should be tased for three days straight and your phone privileges removed permanently for such an offense. I am also tempted to ban you from shopping of any kind for up to a year.

If your cell phone goes off during a movie, presentation of some kind of during church then your phone should be shoved up the most easily accessible orifice and turned on vibrate. Tasing should be done as frequently as possible. Phone privileges should be taken away and this should include the use of land-lines permanently. You will have to start meeting people in person or walking door to door to talk to them or perhaps writing letters. If your house is on fire, you had better start filling buckets or screaming.

If you are driving and the person in the left lane at a stop light suddenly realizes he is supposed to be in the right lane and then attempts to weasel his way into the right lane that person should be taken out of his car and put onto a city bus to the furthest destination point in the city and made to walk back. His car should immediately be crumpled into bits. Here's an idea, look up your destination on a map beforehand, or perhaps call the person, and figure out which way you need to turn. If you end up in the left turn lane and you should have turned right, complete your left turn, find another place to turn around and then turn around. Trust me, attempting that cross-lane number is just aggravating, oh, everyone in the world who is piled up behind you while you try to get your head out of your butt to figure out where the hell you're going. If it turns out you have a cell phone to your ear you should be knocked unconscious and put onto a plane to China.

If it is your turn at the fast food place, the security checkpoint at the airport or the store and you have been standing in line for a long time and do not have your order ready when you get up to the front of the line you should be bound and left in the parking lot with a sign on your head for a week. People should once again be allowed to throw fruit at you. If you have been standing in line that entire time and haven't thought until that very moment to get prepared for your transaction you are too stupid to continue to use commerce in modern society. Any time you go out someone should have to accompany you. That could open up a whole new job market for people and resolve some of the unemployment issues.

These are just a few suggestions from me. I, of course, have violated a few of these rules on my own from time to time. I would expect the same punishments. Repeat offenders could be shipped off to an island somewhere where they would just bug each other.

Bryan W. Alaspa's novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.