Being a Floral Transport Navigation Specialist is not the dream job that it is heralded to be. Whenever I tell people that my job is to deliver flowers, the most common response is, "How fun that must be! People must love to see you coming!" This is partly true - people do love it when I show up with the brightly wrapped vased package. But there are several pet peeves that a flower delivery man must perservere through. Following is a list of things that your typical floral transport navigation specialist hates.

1. Dogs. These are not in themselves a problem. But it is really annoying when your dog runs out the door and the floral product recipient would rather chase the dog while wearing their robe (and only their robe) whilst futily screaming for the dog to return.

2. Old ladies in robes. When I became a flower delivery person, I was under the impression that there would be an endless plethora of young, vivacious women answering the door wearing nothing but a smile...or at least a towel. After nearly ten years, that has yet to happen to this flower delivery man.

3. People who don't know how to unlock their door. This is a big one. There are a few basic tenets that every homeowner should know - and somewhere toward the top of the list should be "Know how to unlock your freakin' door." Yu would be surprised how many people would be extra crispy if a slow burning fire broke out in their home.

4. Doors that snap back. When a floral product recipient opens their screen door, most of the times it is a door that retracts - meaning it closes by itself. For some reason, the homeowner forgets this, too. I usually hold the door open, creating an awkward feeling of "Is this big bohemoth of a man trying to invade my house by guise of a floral transport navigation specialist?" But from past occurrences, I've learned that they will just let the door slam shut on their newly arrived floral products if I let the door go.

5. "Who is this from?" You have to open up the package to see who it's from, lady. I don't have access to this information and even in I did, I wouldn't memorize it just so - in case somebody asks because they're too impatient or lazy to read the card - I can tell them.

6. No tips. What's up with this one? You tip the pizza guy. You tip the Starbucks "barista." You tip the dry cleaner. You tip the housekeeper at the hotel where you unknowingly but excitedly had sex with a transvestite prostitute. Why not tip the guy who brings joy into your house or gets you laid that night??

7. Saying they're home when they're not.

8. they call me fat.

9. sick and dead people. Granted, if it weren't for the dead people, flower shops would barely exist. It is through weddings and funerals that most of the revenue of many flower shops are generated. But I don't see the point in flowers surrounding a dead person. What's the symbolism here?? "Pretty soon, Mr. Bishop will be plant food when he's finally in the ground." That doesn't even work because of the 500 pound stainless steel coffin with gold trim that houses said dead person. And sick people just don't need flowers. They're sick! What is a vase of daisies gonna do for this person?