Between my senior year of High School and freshman year of college my Dad got remarried. I learned quite a few things during this time in my life as I’m sure most young men do. My Dad owned a condo in Westwood where I lived during High School but just before he got remarried, he also bought a house in Manhattan Beach. So basically, the condo would be empty all night every night. We used to throw a party there every weekend and the only furniture in the house was a mattress. So what am I saying about the lessons learned during this time? Well, basically I’m saying that if you’re in High School, and you throw a party at your house, you’re probably going to get a blow job from someone. Its just science. Does that lesson have anything to do with the story I’m about to tell? Not really

So the days leading up to my Dads marriage to his new wife were pretty much just me sulking because the condo had been sold and I wasn’t getting blow jobs anymore as the condo had been sold and the home owners association had all but kicked us out. I guess a bunch of eighteen year olds running up and down the hallways at all hours of the night isn’t appreciated. By the way, this made for some funny conversations with my Dad.

Mike, the HOA people are awfully upset. Were people lighting firecrackers in the hallway and running around with beer cans?

Uh, I guess. I don’t know really. I had to keep track of the keg and make sure everyone put in their money. I couldn’t be concerned with what people did in the hallway.

Well, you need to be more responsible. Which was pretty much code for, Fuck those bastards that have complained about us from the beginning anyway. So yeah, in the days leading up to the wedding I was visibly distraught because I was staying at my Dads new house and there were no more keg parties and blow jobs in the works. Should I go on about this a bit more? Basically, if the party is at your house, chicks think you’re radical. It’s a simple formula.

Now that I was at the new house in Manhattan we had some additional company; my soon to be stepsister Stephanie. Stephanie was fifteen at the time and I was eighteen. I hadn’t really talked to her all that much in the days leading up to the wedding but we were friendly.

The wedding soon arrived and my Dad had a small little reception in his new backyard. There were only a few people there; my Dads friend from college, some of my new step moms friends, my Aunt -- this is my Dads sister who I have a suspicion was lost in the 60s until the mid eighties. In short, she’s not all there and two of my stepsisters friends.

After the reception the newlyweds took off on their honeymoon to Laguna Beach, where, ironically I am sitting right now as I type this. After their departure the only people left were me, my stepsister, her friend and my Aunt Tibby whose brain had been ravaged by acid.

I was just cruising around the house and hanging out after the reception, putting some clothes away, trying to make plans. My stepsister and her friend started getting drunk on all the leftover booze. Once they had become inebriated I remember the friend coming into my room with Stephanie and saying, Steph, you’re new stepbrother is cute. Mike, how many girls have you has sex with? That was the most forward question I had ever been asked by a girl and it freaked me out. These girls were 15 and I was not going to start off my Dads new marriage by committing a crime like statutory rape. Besides that, I had only had sex with one girl up to this point and I was really intimidated by her forwardness. I just dodged the question and they eventually left me alone.

A bit later I called my friend John to see if he would come pick me up because like many eighteen year olds, I did not have a car. So I call John and he informs me that he cant pick me up because has band practice later and hell be tied up and just as I am about to get off the phone with him my now visibly intoxicated stepsister comes up and grabs the cordless phone. (This is 95 people, no cell phones yet.) She immediately starts talking to John and asking him if he is going to come over and party with us. The conversation goes on for a while and I hear her say things like, Oh, I don’t want to cum before you get here. I’m just aghast at the conversation because it is so unlike John to engage in anything like this. As she went on babbling about whatever they may have been talking about she lost control of the phone and dropped it on the floor. The batteries fell out, and the conversation was lost. I picked up the phone, put the batteries back in, and called my friend Kevin to come pick me up. We decided to go see the movie Kids at the Nuart theatre on Santa Monica.

Kevin picked me up a bit later and we headed over to the theatre where we met Jesse and a few others that I had just graduated High School with. Unfortunately, the movie was sold out. So we went back to Jesse’s house on Kelton which was right by the theatre. His parents were also out of town so we stole some of his Dads pot

Interesting tidbit about Jesse’s parents here: Jesses last name was Kurtz-Nicholl. I never thought much of it because I had known him since kindergarten. Turns out, that last name was both his parent’s names together with a hyphen. Why? Because, they weren’t actually married and they didn’t believe in the whole let the male carry his name on thing. Yes, they were hippies. We used to steal pot from his Dad all the time.

Anyway, they had been together forever and I always just assumed they were married. One day, Jesse asks me if I want to go to his parents wedding. I’m like, what do you mean? Your parents aren’t married? Ha says, no, they never believed they needed to get married in order to validate their love or their commitment to family. So why were they getting married now, after having two kids who were both already in college? Tax benefits. Strange world I say

So we steal some pot from Jesse’s parents and get high and blow Everclear fireballs in the backyard. You know, everything that a good High School party is made of. About 10:00 I realize what a strange conversation Stephanie had had with John so I give John a call to see what it was all about. The conversation went something like this:

Hey John, I was just calling because I wanted to see what my stepsister had said to you.

oh, yeah, she was getting dirty.

Well, what did she say?

I don’t know, I gave the phone to Amir.

Well, can I speak to Amir.

Um, I think he went to your house.

Oh shit!

For the people who don’t know Amir; he’s nuts. He got caught smoking crack in front of our High School with a 13 year old girl. He tried to report a hit and run on his car at the police station when in actuality, he had been the one that did the hit and run. And as he reported the hit and run, the person standing behind him reported to police that he had just witnessed Amir hit his car. The guy is unbelievable.

So I immediately call my house to tell Stephanie what is happening. Stephanie, I think my friends might be coming over to see you. This was meant as a warning. Her response you ask? Oh, thank you Mike! Thank you! I just sat on the phone stunned and said, No problem.

So Amir was on his way to ravage my sister and her friend and I was left with nothing else to do except smoke more pot and blow more fireballs. Fuck yeah!

A bit later I became concerned and wanted to know what was going on over there. I didn’t want to call myself so I had my friend Steve call and ask for Amir. So, Steve calls, gets my Aunt on the phone, asks for Amir, my Aunt goes looking and then comes back to the phone and says No, Achmeel isn’t here. Steve just laughed and said thanks. I sat back pleased because I knew that Amir had not been over, which was a good thing.

Kevin drove me home with a good buzz around 12:30. I got inside the house and my first order of business was to take the dog for a walk. As I went to get the leashes I saw Stephanie and said, Hey, did my friends ever come over? She looked at me with a glare and said in a sarcastic and upsetting tone, Oh, real funny Mike! Real funny. I had no idea what she was talking about so I just left it alone.

So I throw Roy (my dog) on the leash and head out to get him to take a crap. As I pass the second house out of nowhere my friend Amir and this other Dude Zach jump out of the bushes and exclaim, Rupp! Oh my god your sister is a freak! You have got to get us back in there! I just stood there stunned and said, “What happened?” And they began to tell me

Apparently, they had showed up to the house just after I had called Stephanie to warn of their arrival. So they ring the doorbell, she answers, immediately grabs the and starts making out with both of them. Her friend was on the floor crawling saying Dick! Dick! Dick! and Stephanie just kind of kicked her a bit and said, They’re not here for you honey. So Stephanie takes Zach and Amir into her room and they begin to get down all porno style. According to Amir my sister really knows what she is doing and is an animal. As the session goes on, they end up throwing her in what I have now named the rotisserie position. Its based off rotisserie chicken where the chicken is skewered and has a pole coming in and out of both ends while rotating. It makes me laugh when I think of it.

Well, right around the time they get Stephanie in the rotisserie my Aunt opens the door and says, Is there an Achmeel he Oh my god! So there you have it, my brain damaged Aunt who was a flower child and civil rights activist was forced to decide if she should tell my Dad that his new stepdaughter is an absolute dirty bird or just pretend nothing ever happened. She decided to tell.

My Dad had a talk with me about it and I told him exactly what I am telling you now. He did not hold me at fault. He did however tell me that Amir was no longer welcome at the house. Whatever, I was off to college anyway. What did I care?

Whats the point of all this you ask? Well, its coming up on holiday season and Ill be seeing my family. This means came Thanksgiving and Christmas I’ll be sitting at the dinner table, looking across at Stephanie and just thinking to myself how she has been rotisseried by my friends Zach and Amir.