The following [words] represent something I can't have. Or, something that I shouldn't have.

I write to you out of desperation, emotion, desire, and confusion.

I write to you in search of love, friendship, inspiration, and salvation.

Addiction is an alley, but it's more often than not perceived as an enemy. But, the questions don't even begin to give us the answers we seek.

One of the problems with humanity is that we continue to seek answers every waking moment, as if there is one. One. One. One. One.

There is one. There is many. But, there is no degree of separation.

How can any one of our questions be answered?

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

The second you realize the signs on this road lead to nowhere, the better off we all are, which seems to present one of the other problems with humanity.

Selfishness was one of the silent commandments.

But, knowing this isn't enough. And, in addition to that, it's not pure.

This ugliness hides among our actions and reactions.

I think this hidden human trait is what causes all of this suffering in the world.

Attribute it to physics if you need proof.

You can't invest energy into something and expect not to get an equal amount of energy in return.

Addiction is an ally.

We were given the choice at birth.

How did you choose to perceive your own humanity?

Addiction is an ally.

-----------------------------------

(more thoughts on addiction, after an intermission:

)

Survival of the fittest exists in everyone.

I'm not here to say that we don't realize that everything we do kills us.

I'm killing myself every day and I've known that for quite some time.

We can't put off the death we're enabling. We can only speed it up.

Should I really want to die faster?

I don't know. I'm confused.

The hard part about making huge changes is that the weight of your addiction works against your brand new willpower.

The thing about willpower is that it's not designed for immortality. It either grants you the change you desire or throws you deeper into your own pit that you can't stand to be in.

Addiction is an ally.

Addiction is designed to kill you.

Think about energy.

The amount of energy it takes to destroy you is not the same amount of energy it takes to save you.

For this, you need an angel.

[Interesting things about angels..]
Sometimes I wonder if I have M.P.D. Maybe it's more like schizophrenia.
Fantasy sometimes makes reality less boring or painful. I can't help but have all these conversations in my head that contradict everything I know to be true.]

Do we really have a saviour?

I've lead myself to believe that I used to, but to be honest with you (Diane), how could a saviour leave you alone with a pile of unresolutions? [no, not THE saviour, but a saviour..]

The only safety I've ever found was in things and people that poison my mind and my body.