Tired of lousy relationships?

Then quit looking for lousy people.

First off, quit believing the stereotypes. Not all men are aggressive, hypermasculine, sports-and-cars-and-beer-loving sex machines without an ounce of romance in them. Not all women are giggly, hyperfeminine, makeup-and-hair stuff-and-women's magazines-loving sex kittens who complain about the toilet seat being left up. There are plenty of people in both groups who don't fit the stereotypes and are quite well-adjusted for it. And some of the stereotypes can be pretty limiting, both for the people who expect them and the ones who embrace them. If you've ever chosen not to do something you wanted to do because it wouldn't be "manly" or "feminine", you're shortchanging yourself. Be true to who you are and look for someone who's true to who s/he is. That doesn't, of course, mean that there's no such thing as a hypermasculine man or a hyperfeminine woman who are more than just walking stereotypes. But if you've turned down someone otherwise interesting because they didn't act "like a real man/real woman should", maybe you need to rethink your criteria.

And, speaking of patterns, you get who you look for. I've talked to too many people who wanted to have the relationship of a lifetime, but consistently went out looking for people they were primarily sexually attracted to. Then they got frustrated when the sex went stale and there was nothing left. Sex is a wonderful thing to have, and if all you're looking for long-term is a string of sex partners, this works fine for you. But if you want your lifemate, you've got to get yourself into that mindset, rather than looking for whoever happens to be cute, willing, and quite possibly drunk, and hoping that maybe you'll eventually get something more out of it.

Next, love yourself first. Yes, being single sometimes sucks. But it's a great time to concentrate on yourself--and I don't just mean going and buying yourself stuff because you don't spend money on dates. What interest you about you, and about the world? Do you have any hobbies? What gets you off the couch and outside of the house besides work and other obligations? Is there something you've always wanted to learn to do but never tried before? Now's the time! It's also a good time to think about who you are--and who you want to be. Are you happy about your life? If not, why? What can you do about it? If the answer is nothing, what's the best way to deal with the way things are without getting depressed over it? What can you do to make your life better? The nice thing about taking a more active approach to your life is that it shakes you out of your old patterns. If you pursue a hobby more seriously and start networking with people with similar interests, you may very well meet someone else who's single and looking. The best part is that you already have something in common, which can get the conversation rolling.

Also, stop looking in all the same places. If you keep expecting to pick up a good partner in a bar, and keep ending up with losers--shouldn't you start looking elsewhere? Again, I emphasize getting more involved with people who have similar interests. You may very well find a romantic interest, and even if you don't, there's still the friend of a friend opportunity. Plus you'll be keeping yourself busy in the meantime.

Finally, once you've found someone--start talking. The stereotypical guy is one who hates talking and is hard to communicate with. I've dated a number of men over the years and married a wonderful one, and I've never had a problem getting any of them to talk to me about everything from small talk to how many sexual partners we've had to the deepest issues we face in our lives. The thing is, communication is absolutely crucial to a successful relationship, and you can't afford to hold things back, especially the important ones. And, at least for me, it's not enough to spend dates talking about celebrities or gossiping about people we know or getting completely drunk to the point of incoherence. The best relationships I've had have been those that I could have deep intellectual and/or emotional discussions in at an early point. Not only is it a lot more interesting, but I really got to know the person well in a relatively short amount of time. There are things you're going to want to know about a person and hir thoughts and feelings before you go making huge commitments--you don't want to find out that your significant other hates kids after you're married and you've decided you want to have a family. (This is why honesty is a majorly important factor as well.)

These aren't universal rules, but they're things that I've found worked quite nicely (being now happily married to someone I'm confident will be with me for the long haul, first marriage for both of us).

(This rant brought to you by this article--is this *really* what other women believe about men? Yuck.)