Why should the President corner the market on pardons? I've decided to make a list of the top five people/things/candy I would pardon if I ever had the backing of presidential power:

5. Mondays. I pardon Mondays as it's not their fault that they suck and nobody looks forward to them. Mondays didn't ask to jumpstart the work week, it just got assigned that way. I hereby pardon Mondays from this day forward and promise to be cheerful and productive at work all day.

4. NECCO Wafers

I'm sorry, but NECCO wafers have always tasted like chalk. Specifically, colored chalk. I realize the historical importance of the NECCO wafer, but candy-making has evolved in the last hundred years. It's time to jump on board and update the recipe or retire it gracefully. Until such time, I pardon you, NECCO wafers, for tasting like chalk and being the number one disappointing candy in the Halloween goody bag.

3. Maureen McCormick. Sigh...Marcia Brady wrote a tell-all book for which the world was not ready. OK, maybe just my generation. I don't want to know about how my perfect Marcia Brady was a drug addict or about her string of flings. She will always be the football quarterback's girlfriend who had the shiniest, straightest, coolest hair EVER to me. McCormick's book gives Jan the chink in Marcia's popularity armor for which she's been waiting! I pardon you, Maureen McCormick / Marcia Brady, for showing us your reality when it was the perfect family fantasy that we only wanted to see.

2. The Subjects of my Blog-Rants. You know who you are. I'm sorry to have called you out like that. Specifically and in no particular order:

The cussing teenagers getting coffee.
The barista who expected a tip (even when I self-served).
My now-broken washing machine.
Costco.
Internet filters.
Microwave popcorn.
People who don't use paragraphs while writing.
70s perfume commercials.
Gray hair.
Grammar mistakes.
Tonto.
Cops.
Fat.
Nurses.
Mandy Moore, Jewel, Joe Cocker and Bon Jovi.
I hereby pardon you, oh subjects of my blog rants, for irritating me. I should have given all of you the benefit of the doubt before going public.

And the Number One pardon I would grant if I had presidential powers is:

1. Youtube. Well, I mean the youtube live event that was broadcast earlier this month. From the Katy Perry tone deaf opening-of-the-show song to the horrible M.C. who couldn't segueway to the next act to save his life. It was a two hour mess. However, I pardon you, youtube, because of the endless hours of (not-live) videos that we can choose to watch and for the fact that when I type in more cowbell, over 1500 search results come back. That's just awesome.