In my twenty plus years of gaming, I've had to complete a lot of different objectives and go on a lot of different quests, from the most sublime to the most ludicrous. To this day, for instance, game designers still seem to think that asking a player to run around finding items to trade for other items is a fun puzzle and a great way to build up the play time in a game. Besides fetch quests, lots of games have your character doing something fairly embarassing, like dressing in women's clothing or asking everyone where sailors can be found hanging out. After seeing a certain scene in Final Fantasy XII last night, I decided it was time I wrote a comprehensive list on some of the most rediculous quests I've ever encountered in a game.

1) Testifying to the lousiness of Ondore and the fact that Basch lives in Final Fantasy XII (Playstation II). Yes, this consists of running up to random strangers on the streets of Bhujerba and shouting things at them. Over and over and over again until your reputation meter goes up to 100%. And over and over again. Not only is this a boring quest, it's embarassing and silly, and listening to the same four shouted phrases over and over gets tiring quickly.

2) Looking for sailors in all the wrong places in Shenmue (Dreamcast). Ryo's father has been killed and he's out to get revenge on the bastards that did it... but first he has to play arcade games, collect trinkets, drink soda and shmooze with his girlfriend. But there's one other thing he likes to do for fun: look for sailors! Ok, so he's not doing it for fun; the crime syndicate that is responsible for murdering his dad using a local shipping yard to avoid customs, and in order to find out more, he has to get a job at the ship yard. Thus begins his quest to track down sailors. Everyone he meets, he asks them about sailors. "Where can I find sailors?" "Do you know a place where sailors hang out?" "I'm really in the closet and want to go find some sailors so I can explore my sexuality!" Ok he doesn't say that last one, but he might as well. Ryu is maybe two steps away from joining the navy with the Village People. Go find your sailors and keep reaching for that rainbow!

3) The hunt for the car battery in Resident Evil 3 (Playstation). The Resident Evil series has become known for its intricate and inexplicable puzzles. Demented madmen hiding keys in their mansions sort of makes some kind of sense. A mayor going through the trouble to hide a car battery that could feasibly be purchased in the auto parts store you run through in part of the game... that's just plain stupid. First you have to grab a bronze book off some statue, then place in an indentation in a fountain in order to get a bronze compass. Place that compass on the statue and you'll get a car battery. Yeah, a stupid car battery. Why anyone would go through that much trouble just to hide a car battery is really anybody's guess.

4) Getting Sarah to join your party in Suikoden (Playstation). Sarah would just love to join your growing-and-soon-to-be 108 stars of destiny party, but first, she really needs some soap. Badly. So go buy some sugar, give that to some guy in exchange for a yardstick, then give the yardstick to some chick who'll give you salt for it. Take that salt on over to Mr. I-Have-Soy-Sauce and exchange it, then exchange that soy sauce for that necessary bar of soap. I didn't know this town worked on a bartering system! Can't just go buy a bar of soap, huh? Nope, sorry.

5) Every stupid quest in Breath Of Fire (SNES). Yeah, this game is chock-full of crappy fetch quests. In fact, I herby dub it King Of Fetch Quests! Marvel at the amount of times you have to take crap back and forth between I-Woman and W-Man! Dig, fish and shake trees to get all the ingredients for an antidote! Go through hell and back just to have Cort repair a bridge! You know when a fly steals your sandwich, you're pretty bad off. When a flower makes a town go crazy, things just ain't right. And when you have to warp all over the map to get parts and pieces and all sorts of crap that is required to advance, you know you're playing Breath Of Fire.

To Be Continued in the next installment...