I usually can't wait for the Fall Television schedule to come around, and I would get most excited when receiving the new TV Guide listing the New Fall Season or Returning Favorites. In light of the crap that's been passed off for entertainment over the past few years, I no longer get that giddy schoolboy feeling for the fall season. Instead, I filter through the silt to find something passable, something to kill the time of my ever-waning existence. God forbid I'd have to actually pick up a book and read for entertainment!

The Rat network, or ABC (American Broadcasting Network), gives us a plethora of amazing turds to filter through in order to get to the juicy mental nuggets of pleasure. Monday nights are no longer a pairing between ABC and the NFL, and while Dennis Miller raping historical allusions (thanks to KO for that one) won't be missed, I still feel a little empty without Monday Night Football on ABC, and it's been a while since it left. However, they valiantly try to fill the void, yet fail miserably with a boatload of fluffy, moldy, poo. Dancing with the Stars, again, is an hour and a half of blandness puffed up by it's network as the greatest thing next to American Idol. I beg to differ. The D-list parade sends me into dry heaves as well as mental spasms while trying to figure out if it's watchable or not (it's not). I suppose it's popular in the same way NASCAR is popular - people are waiting to see a wreck and an injury. Samantha Who? has a little bit going for it in the form of Christina Applegate, who is usually fun to watch (unless she's on Jesse), and followed up by Boston Legal, which is apparently a show about lawyers, in Boston. Go figure. I think it has something to do with Bill Shatner negotiating a price on the rest of his career.

Tuesday night isn't much better with the horrible trend of glitzy, glammy, tortuous game shows in the aspect of Opportunity Knocks - a traveling carnival of greed comes a knockin', showing just how loathesome the American psyche is when it comes to money and personal relationships with the family. We are then "treated" to another hour of Dancing with the Stars, where the judges slam the celebs in their C-list impersonation of Simon, Randy, and Paula (without so much prescription medication, I'd offer), followed by another lawyerin' show - Eli Stone - where a lawyer does some good after having a near-death experience with George Michael's package. I'm summarizing from clips, of course, having never seen Eli Stone nor ever wanting to watch it. The best part about it is that Eli is played by one of those Trainspotting crew.

Wednesday night I will give ABC some credit for keeping the quirkiest show on TV last year around for another go-ahead. Pushing Daisies, from it's morbid outlook, compelling stories, and fantastically twisted characters to the dreamy Tim Burton on Xanax technicolor of the sets, dressings, costumes, and all-over scenery, was the best of 07 and if they keep up the writing quality, will undoubtedly be the best of 08-09 as well. Private Practice, the spin-off from Grey's Anatomy, is a double-yawny meh, and Dirty Sexy Money has a great cast - yet I've never seen an episode - but I'll still tell you to watch it. Wednesday night, out of all the networks, ABC comes through as a shining winner, despite the smudge of Private Practice.

Thursday night gives us the pretty okay Ugly Betty. I have to admit I hated the show, hated it's smugness, hated the trendy, campy, I'm so cool because I'm nerdy vibe. Then I watched an episode or two. I wasn't hooked, but I wasn't as hostile, either. I'll probably watch it once or twice in the upcoming season, perhaps when Smallville is in repeats (October). Grey's Anatomy is about 43 minutes of suckitude - I see enough real-life doctors in my life I don't need sexy doctors in a sexy hospital talking sexy about sex. Most of my doctors are unsexy, hairy, and Middle Eastern. Great docs, but not sexy at all. Well, perhaps one, but she's Canadian so she doesn't count. Life On Mars rounds out the night, and it's a BBC export (or an American import, depending on your view). It's about a detective who wakes up in the past. That's all I got from it. I liked Journeyman and NBC screwed me last year, so I doubt I'll make a commitment to any time travel shows this year, except Lost, which will replace Life on Mars when its canceled. Yes, my theory on Lost has to do with Quantum Physics.

Friday is wasted. Nothing to see on ABC unless you are in a deep vegetative state. Wife Swap contributes heavily to the decline of Western Civilization. Supernanny simply allows one to persist zombie like for another hour on a Friday evening. 20/20 is an old show that needs to reinvent itself every once in a while. Where's Geraldo talking about blackballed professional wrestlers? Where's the 'stache? Where's the love?

College football owns ABC Saturday evenings from 8 to 11 PM and I could care less. I can't even write an entire paragraph about it I care so little. I'm not sure what they are planning after the bowl games but I hope it isn't retreads of Dancing with the Stars or I Survived a Japanese Gameshow. No reality shows, either, they smack of celebrawannabe syndrome, which isn't reality at all. How far we've come from cinema verité.

Sunday is full of tears, sweat, sex, and dysfunctional families, and that's just at 7 PM with America's Funniest Home Videos. Okay, cheap shot. I happen to LOVE America's Funniest Home Videos. The man getting hit on the crotch with a baseball bat is a CLASSIC, same with the baby doing something cute, as well as the dog peeing on the baby's head. Great stuff, great stuff. After that is the super sappy Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, meant to make us feel bad for having lives better than what we are watching. Desperate Houswives was pretty good a few seasons ago, but has since lost its lustre. I only watch Brothers and Sisters to see if Rob Lowe makes a sex tape. Sadly, it has yet to happen.

Sometime during the season, ABC will bring back the unfunny According to Jim. I like Mr. Belushi, I really do, but I find the show pretty. . . boring. I don't know what it is. the jokes would be funny in other context, the actors are decent, but the show lacks a certain. . . something. Can't explain it all today, sir, just want to hang with your daughter.

They are also bring Scrubs from NBC, and while Scrubs fans rejoice, I simply yawn. I think some of the episodes were funny, but again, with my history of doctors, I don't find any shows in the medical field compelling, humorous, or good.

ABC has me for most of Wednesday and Thursday with Pushing Daisies, Life on Mars/Lost, and America's Funniest Home Videos as background noise while I'm blogging or doing something "productive". While I should rejoice that there are more networks than ABC, I look at the offerings and instead of smiling, I simply hang my head and cry.