There’s no doubt that vampires are among one of the sexiest of supernatural monsters. The blood sucking creatures that are supposed to frighten and intimidate women have ironically been attracting them for decades, mostly starting with sensual vampire king himself, Dracula. So it’s no big shock that the tween generation no doubt enjoys them too, as that is the age that most younger people start developing a fascination for the opposite sex. Which is why the book series ‘Twilight’ has taken off like vampire bat out of Hell. The book series about a romance between a high school girl and her vampire love interest, has taken our youth by storm and continues to melt young girls hearts with its fulfillment of temptation and romance. That’s all fair and good, but how does the new film version hold up? Well, if this is a sampling of the books’ best material, I can easily say it’s view worth skipping.

The story is about a high school girl named Bella (Kristen Stewart), an awkward introvert who splits with her mother for awhile to live in Forks Washington with her divorced dad (Billy Burke). The two don’t talk much, which works out well for both of them as they have very little to say to one another. The school she goes to is a little strange (though I’m not sure if that’s intentional or unintentional) as kids introduce themselves to her out of nowhere and blindly decide to be her friend. At first I thought maybe these kids were the vampires, but nope, you definitely recognize them when they walk into the room. They all wear white clothes, a mountain of hairspray, and enough mascara that would make Marilyn Manson blush. They claim that they keep the secret of the vampire well, but I think even a blind werewolf could spot them rather quickly.

The one vampire who grabs Bella’s attention the most is Edward (Robert Pattinson), who seems to spend most of his time looking tormented in public and then claiming that he doesn’t want to draw attention to himself. Bella is of course drawn to his emo personality but doesn’t suspect that he’s a vampire until he saves her from a truck by stopping it with his hand. As Bella starts to pry deeper, she discovers that he IS a vampire, as is his whole family. But it’s okay, they’re described as vegetarian vampires (yes, you read that correctly) who don’t drink human blood, but rather animal blood (I don’t think that technically counts as vegetarian, but that’s a minor problem compared to the rest). The real, human killing vampires it turns out just came to town, and are threatened by Bella’s relationship with Edward. So Edward’s family tries to hide her away from these villains as they roam across the country tying to track her down. Why? Simply because they enjoy the hunt. Odd, seeing how they could have their pick of anyone across the United States to snack on.

The movie doesn’t always make a whole lot of sense, and when it does, you’re often distracted by the over the top writing and mediocre acting that the rest of the film is offering. Nobody talks or acts like real high schoolers, but then again nobody did in High School Musical 3 either, so why did it work there? I think it’s because HSM3 was tailoring to what grade school kids thought high school was like, and in a way there was a sweet charm to that. In this film, it seems like an uninformed writer’s interpretation, which of course is neither real nor interesting. The vampire world they create is not very gripping or detailed, the romance has no chemistry, and even the effects seem very Photoshopped at times.

I’d say the only relationship in the movie that came close to working was that between Bella and her father. They seem estranged, but they don’t hate each other or push each other away. They both make an attempt to understand the other one’s problems, and I think a lot of that is due to Billy Burke’s performance, as he plays a quiet but well meaning father. Every other performance seems pretty over blown, even for a tween film. It’s almost as if the creators, instead writing a story based on instinct, looked at the formula of what tween girls liked and tried to simply tie them together in a movie. While there is technically no sex or anything too gory in this picture, the film comes dangerously close to pushing the limit for younger viewers. Edward’s temptation for Bella’s blood can easily be connected to a teenager’s lust or sex, which would be an interesting development in an adult movie, but in a kid’s film it falls flat. There’s also scenes of people pulling out glass from their legs and getting bitten on their arms, which again can somewhat extreme for it’s ideal audience. But to be honest, I don’t think that’ll be the element that turns them off, it’ll most likely be the total lack of character, romance, and interest in what should be a relatively juicy story.

So who’ll like it? Maybe tween girls who are fans of the book, but even that’s a big maybe. A heard a lot of younger girls laughing just as I was at what were supposed to be more serious moments.

Who won’t like it? Most adults and teenagers (especially males) will be bored or uninterested. I think even true die hard romantics will have trouble finding any semblance of emotion between it’s two stars.

My thoughts? I never read the books, so I can’t really compare them. I only pray that children are reading something better than what was portrayed on the screen. The idea of relating high school with awkward responsibility of trying to blend in as something different like a vampire is not a bad one. If more thought went into this, it probably could’ve worked. Instead we have a formulaic, uninspiring and inventive romp that seems more interested in selling tickets and being popular than actually telling a decent story. Much like the vampires themselves, this movie really knows how to suck the life out of you.

Douglas Darien is a featured writer for Xomba.com. Read the rest of his work here or visit his website www.thatguywiththeglasses.com.