Thought of the day: why is it in mainstream straight porn, the ideal "sexy" look for a woman to have is a vacant stare? You know the one: mostly blank, but with just the slightest tinge of contemptous boredom.

I can't imagine this is what guys really want to see. Okay, maybe SOME guys, submissive types who get off on the idea of a woman who insults them, is bored by them, etc. But other than that, it's been my experience overwhelmingly that straight guys like to be smiled at by women, approved of and enjoyed, to have their jokes laughed at and their person appreciated.

Of course, who doesn't want that? But for some reason, it seems to me that men in this society are placed under enormous amounts of pressure to deny this very basic, very human and healthy desire.

I recently asked my husband my following question: when it comes to casual chatting with the guys about your relationship, what sorts of things are you expected to say to prove how good your relationship is? In other words, what sort of stuff constitutes good, standard "bragging fodder" about your girlfriend?

(Bear in mind: we're talking about social norms and expectations, here, not my feminist husband's actual priorities.)

First and foremost, he said, is the answer to the question, "Is she hot?" Next is usually some variant of "Is she good in bed?" After that...whatever.

"Would you ever talk about how well she treats you?" I asked, "How supportive she is? How much she appreciates and respects you?"

"No. Not unless I'd had a history of bad relationships."

"I imagine that would still only come up if you were having a serious conversation with friends you know and trust really well."

"Yeah."

Interesting. Because if my experiences with other straight women are any indication, the question of "how does he treat you" is the FIRST thing we bring up in bragging rights. The question of "is he hot?" is usually only asked of a stranger we're checking out, and the "good in bed" thing is reserved for drunk, late-night, giggly conversations with your closest girlfriends *eyeroll*.

So for guys, I guess the "ultimate woman" is supposed to be hot (according to societal standards, not personal taste) and good in bed (also, I'd wager, according to societal standards) and...well, that's it, really. She doesn't need to be anything else. In fact, she shouldn't be anything else! Hell, REAL men don't need to be loved or liked or approved of! REAL men get it on with women who can't stand them, women who are doing it for the money or social status or what have you, because REAL men don't connect with women, they dominate them!

Yeah. Beautiful.

Never let it be said that patriarchy is actually good for men. Ug.