Current affairs programs and the news media are forever banging on about road rage. Some prick cuts off some other prick, then the latter prick drives the former prick into a gutter, pulls out a knife, jumps out of his car, and cuts up his counterpart's tyres and face. Road rage. We all know what it is.

But if you're like me and don't drive a car, you might suffer from the blight of 'walk rage.' This is where a fellow pedestrian cuts you off, stops suddenly, drifts into your path, or performs some other such annoying act of obstruction. Rather than punching said fellow pedestrian, the walk rager tends to internalise their hostility for fear of a confrontation.

Motorists annoy other motorists remarkably easily. Half of them are below-average drivers, after all. Pull into someone's lane and cause them to put the slightest amount of pressure on the brakes, and that person will be going berserk from the safety of their enclosed motor vehicle. Most of the time no accident will be caused or even be likely to happen, but that doesn't stop us from screaming into the windscreen.

If you are a fast walker like myself, you'd know that people on foot are far less considerate than people in cars. There are loads of rules for motorists, most of which are followed most of the time, but none for pedestrians. Most importantly, cars are restricted to one side of the road only.

When you walk through a city, people in front of you will stop very suddenly to stare at the discounted bird feeders in the two dollar shop. They will be wishing they had birds so they could make the most of this bargain. You will almost crash into them, but they will always leave the minimum distance necessary to avoid a collison. You will probably spill your coffee.

Once they've finished looking in the shop windows, they will walk in a parabolic line in front of you. They will veer to the left, so you will move right to overtake them, then they will suddenly veer to the right and force you into the gutter. This is called Swerve Theory, and has been developed by an Australian psychological professor. Swerve Theory is the innate ability to know when someone is coming up behind you and get in their way. Interestingly, the Swerver never knows he has done this to anyone, and the Swervee will stumble, stop, stagger or spill something without ever letting it on. The faster the Swervee is going, the longer the Swerver will wait to make their move. The most extreme example of Swerving is when a cyclist attempts to overtake a grandma. The grandma will step out in front of the cyclist, causing him to jam on the brakes and go over the handlebars. The grandma will shuffle on unawares and the cyclist will land in a bush. Cyclists are advised never to attempt overtaking anyone more than three times their age.

All of this leads to an acute build-up of walk rage. The first person will cut you off and you'll stop, raise your eyebrows, and walk around them. After this has happend eighteen times in one city block, you are ready to pull out a chainsaw and lop anyone who comes near you in half. Sadly, though, you won't do anything about it. Why? Because if you say something, everyone around you will think you're a dick. We humour motorists when they do it, but a pedestrian who tells off another pedestrian is a grumpy, intolerant, stupid, aggressive prick. Plus, the person walking in front of you might be somewhere around double your size and you don't have one tonne of steel to hide in if things go bad.

So, instead of taking action, the stress and anger will build up inside until one day you get home and hit the neighbour's smallest child with a branch and end up bribing him to lie at the bottom of your front stairs with a bag of dog shit and a lighter in his hands ("Billy, what the hell were you doing on the neighbour's porch??"). It will be messy.

I've decided I don't want to ever buy my neighbour those Wii games, so instead, I have created the WalkRage Protection Suit(TM). It's more or less an inverted fishbowl worn over the head, but it's enough to separate me from the reality of a face-to-face confrontation with a fellow walker. I can scream into it loud as I please and only feel about as stupid as a quiet man with a fishbowl on his head.

So next time you stop to look at two dollar shop bargains, take half an instant to ask yourself whose way you're in, and move aside if you have to. And if you ever see a man walking down the footpath with a live chainsaw in his hands, take your chances with the cars.