Welcome Beckhams, Now Sit Down and Shut-Up!

I don't know about you, but I have to admit that I am entirely sick of the Beckhams and their coming to America. Everyone seems to think he will single-handedly save soccer in America, or something. Personally, I don't think soccer will ever catch on, at least not until the entire country is populated by nothing but people from Spanish-speaking countries and I don't care how politically incorrect that statement is.

I just don't get the appeal of soccer. I'm sorry. I try and try to watch that damn sport and it just absolutely cannot hold my attention. You have to understand that this statement is coming from a man who loves watching baseball. I am even willing to admit that baseball can be very boring, and yet I will sit there in rapt attention watching a game on television or while attending the game. I have even been known to watch golf on television.

GOLF!!! On television!

I sit there and root for Tiger and Phil and those guys. Yet, I still find soccer so amazingly dull I cannot stand it. I don't know why. There is just something about the sport that eludes me. I used to go to indoor soccer games back when the Chicago Sting was in existence and then the Chicago Power.

First off, I think the field is just too damn big. My God, you could have two football games going on at the same time on the average outdoor soccer field. To me that leads to lots and lots of running with no real payoff. What fun is that? It's like watching a confused marathon where the runners just sort of stand in one spot and run in a circle.

Secondly, why can't these professional players hit that damn goal? You could fit a city bus in that damn goal and yet they always manage to run and run and run and then kick the damn thing so wide you could fit another city bus between the goal and where that ball went. These guys are supposed to be pros and you could think they would have laser-like precision on their shots. For crying out loud, I can stand there and hit soccer balls way out to the right, let and over the top.

Thirdly, why is it that every single play that looks so promising almost inevitably ends up with nothing for it? Good lord, they sit there and go back and forth kicking the ball to each other like kids playing in a parking lot and then someone gets a break. It looks like they have that entire giant field all to themselves, everyone gets to their feet, the crowd starts screaming and then...the whole play just kind of dies out. What the hell is that?

Fourth, why do soccer fans feel they need to make noise the ENTIRE game? I tried to watch a Chicago Fire game last week and the crowd was standing, chanting and making noise from the first minute of the game. What is up with that? What does that do? Are they all just drunk? Is that why they're there?? If they were sober would they realize the game was as god-awful boring as the rest of society and stop going?

I have run into people who are passionate about the game. Every place where I have worked has had people from other countries who were very into the World Cup and would always have groups of these people clustered around televisions to watch these games. They looked with the same kind of rapture I imagine is on my face when I am watching a World Series game. At the same time, I cannot help but stare at them as if they were aliens from some other planet.

So David Beckham is believed, by many, to be the best soccer player on the planet. He is married to a Spice Girl who was known as Posh Spice and now is known as Victoria. Many people are comparing him to Pele who came to the United States during the 70s and the last time someone started a major league outdoor soccer league and tried to make soccer a huge deal here.

The thing is, Pele really and truly was the greatest soccer player who ever lived. When he came to New York to play, the stadium was sold out. In short, he lived up to his billing. The league was not successful, but it was huge in New York for a while and he was exciting and dynamic. I just don't know if Beckham can live up to that kind of standard.

I may be entirely wrong. He may turn Los Angeles into soccer central for the United States. His wife may become the biggest thing the city has ever seen. It just seems to me that we do not need to have a countdown to the time when he first plays for the L.A. Galaxy. We do not need a reality show that details Victoria's coming to America. We do not need in depth interviews by Matt Lauer of the Beckhams. He needs to prove himself and she needs to stand there and look beautiful and that's all there is to it.

Now, obviously, I am just an ignorant American who does not understand the subtleties and inherent dram of soccer. I must be some kind of neanderthal who cannot appreciate the genius and brilliance of a Mr. David Beckham. I just need some educating.

I have tried. I tried against just last week when I tried to watch the Chicago Fire play against the Houston team. I got frustrated, bored and changed the channel to something on the Discovery Channel that probably stared or was narrated by Mike Rowe. Maybe if he was in or narrated the Beckham reality show, I would have watched it.

I just have a hard time getting excited about this whole thing. I hope they have a great time here in America. It's a great place and there is a lot to do here. I hope they make a huge splash in LA and that Victoria gets a lot of discounted surgery that keeps her looking gorgeous well into her 50s. I just don't see what the big deal is until he manages to set all kinds of records and turns soccer into the biggest thing around here since the Furbie.

At the same time, I guess it's cool we live in a country so big and free that there are so many sports choices for people. I have a friend who says he is embarrassed by the fact that the biggest spectator sport here in America is NASCAR. I said, it doesn't embarrass me. It just makes me appreciated we live in a country big enough to offer a lot of choices and the freedom to make those choices. In most other countries the only sports choices you probably have are soccer and hitting each other with sticks. Here in America, that's just ESPN728 or whatever.

So, with all sincerity, and because I know they will likely never read this, I wish to welcome the Beckhams to this country. Try Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles there in L.A., I hear it's really good. Do a lot of shopping on Rodeo Drive. When you come through Chicago, David, I can tell you some really great places to eat and you should probably see "Wicked." Now, just sit down and shut up. When we want to hear from you, we'll let you know.

Bryan W. Alaspa's novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com. He also has short stories available at www.amazon.com and you can now pre-order his non-fiction novel about haunted houses in St. Louis at Amazon.com!