What I've Learned About Marriage ... After 30 years

I've learned some very important lessons after being married for over 30 years. I thought I'd better share these with those of you considering tying the knot; before it's too late.

Lesson 1: Never ever try to get the last word in during an argument with your wife. If you do, you've just started a whole new argument.

Lesson 2: If you ask your honey what's wrong and she responds with "Nothing"; watch your back. She's really pissed.

Lesson 3: You and the guys have planned a day out. You tell the wife. If she responds with; "Go Ahead!", she's not giving you permission. She's daring you. You'll fare much better by cancelling your plans and sucking up to the wife.

Lesson 4: Never criticize the wife for buying something on sale; even if she doesn't need the item. Just count your blessings it was on sale. The fact of the matter is; she went shopping with the full intent to spend your money. Thank God you have some left.

Lesson 5: If you're fortunate enough to have children; remember their names. Keep them on a 3 x 5 card. All I can vaguely remember is a bunch of short people running around the house. My wife remembers every name, every event, every birthday.

Lesson 6: Never, ever forget your anniversary. I'm not just talking about the day you got married. I'm talking about the day you met ... the day you first kissed ... the day you met her parents. Keep a calendar with every conceivable non-event you can think of and never ever forget.

Finally: Don't ever compliment another woman's looks. Your wife may drool over some hunk on television but you cannot blink an eye when a gorgeous woman flashes before your eyes. Find something to criticize about that other woman and you'll do fine. Say something like, "Honey; did you notice how huge her nose is?". We all know you weren't looking at her nose but you'll have a happier and longer marriage.