“Today is the day I will be true to myself,” I said as I sat down and wrote the letter, heart pounding, muscles taut, one that took me seven years to muster enough courage to write. Seven because I had gone through a roller coaster ride of pain, confusion, depression, the whole nine yards. Yup, been there, done that, bought the t-shirt! I had no idea how my best friend would take it, but I knew the only way I could know if our friendship was strong to withstand any storm, this was the time. This is the story of a young gay man coming out to the people who matter to him.
I’ve always known I ‘played for the other team’ ever since I was I was a kid – my earliest memories of being gay go back to when I was 10…this is when I discovered my mother’s music collection, in which she had Madonna, Janet Jackson and Natalie Cole. Thu began my love affair with ‘Diva- fied’ music…I remember dancing like a crazed monkey all over the living room, with the door firmly locked behind me, to hits like ‘Into the Groove’ and ‘Escapade’
Growing up was a painful process… I had to live with the fact that I was different, but thanks to a friend of mine who offered support, life was manageable. I also developed, as a result, remarkable resilience in the wake of all this hostility directed at me by ignorant classmates. Kids can be so cruel – I can vouch for that statement because I went through it. At the same time, I was extremely gifted artistically. Most of the time, I came up tops in composition writing and my English teacher made sure to read out my work to the rest of the class each time I came up tops (which was always!).
It came to me like an epiphany. One night, as I was sitting in my room doing my homework, a light bulb went off in my head. It made perfect sense; why I found the Taita guy in my class fascinating. I got off my chair and started pacing around the room, wondering what this new development meant. The four years in Secondary school were the darkest of my life. I experienced inner turmoil I would never wish upon anyone as I struggled with my newfound sexual identity, falling for guys and not telling them for fear of ridicule. Anxiety and depression quickly set in. my grades deteriorated and I was a miserable heap as I struggled to get through high school with this terrible secret gnawing at my conscience.
Nothing lasts forever, though. After six years of emotional pain that would make physical pain look like a holiday, I finally came to terms with my sexuality. These days, I take it one day at a time, as the demons of my past still lurk in the shadows. There are days I relapse but with faith in God, I have managed to stay positive.
I liken my struggle to what women face in the form of relationships with men, and in their never ending quest to find the perfect man, in the process having relationships with losers who inflict upon them pain in the form of verbal and physical abuse. Some would like to think they would never find peace in life without a guy in the picture. I beg to differ, because I’ve gone through it all – dysfunctional gay relationships, substance abuse, low self esteem; the works. People cringe when clichés are told over and over again. But this is what I have learnt to be the absolute truth: the purest love is self-love. Only self-acceptance will do it for you, no man ever will, if you don’t value yourself first. The truth is no longer out there. It is within you.