Let’s face it, nearly every male who may be reading this has at one time or another watched a pornographic movie. I say “male” because I just generally assume it is men who are interested in watching these things with any regularity. I am assuming I could be wrong and that there are plenty of women out there as well. Ladies, if you are out there I would love to hear from you. Hopefully one of you lives nearby.

Anyway, these things take on some kind of mystical quality for men. They are like treasures waiting to be discovered in some Indiana Jones movie. Often they are hidden away. Much like when you are younger and looking for Christmas presents there comes a time when searching for any form of pornography becomes a rite of passage for any male. It just happens. If you have sons, you can count on it happening with them. Tucked away in a drawer or hidden in the back of a closet, it really doesn’t matter because the things will get found and they will get watched.

Of course all this really does is make sex something incredibly naughty and to be hidden and not discusses. No wonder so many people are screwed up about their bodies and about sex. Of course you can’t just sit your kids down and throw in a hardcore Triple X movie and then head out for the evening either. I am not completely insane here I am just saying there has to be some kind of happy middle ground on the whole issue of curious kids and sex.

Getting busted while watching porn is the worst nightmare of any teenager and I am just going by the male perspective here, of course. I don’t know what age women start wondering and experimenting and worrying about getting caught. I just know what I went through and it was always like undertaking some kind of massive clandestine undercover Special Ops endeavor. There are Delta Force team members who would be envious of teenage boys and their plans to watch something they aren’t supposed to and not get caught.

Well, it turns out that even when you are an adult you have to be careful. Why? Because you never know when a neighbor who apparently doesn’t know what porn is might show up at your door with a sword in his hand. Of course you just could probably have guessed that this story came out of the state of Wisconsin.

Something terrible happened to Wisconsin at some point. I don’t know when it was but I think perhaps some kind of toxic spill helped create the state and the people in it. This is the same state that spawned Ed Gein, a man with an obsession about his mother and who liked to rob graves and skin women. This is the same state that spawned Jeffrey Dahmer and his appetites. It is also the same state that nearly captures Mr. Dahmer but the police let him go because he was so convincing to them.

This story takes place in Oconomowoc Wisconsin. Any state that has a city with a name like that should already be a warning. Anyway, a man was sitting in his apartment watching a pornographic movie. Apparently it was a very loud movie or a movie he had turned up a little too loud. The woman on the video must have been very vocal. Before he knew what was happening a man from downstairs named James Van Iveren kicked down his door and brandished a cavalry sword at him.

“Where is she?” Iveren was reported as demanding of the neighbor. “Where is she?”

The neighbor, as you might imagine, was a tad confused. The neighbor stated that he ended up having to show Van Iveren around his apartment, opening closet doors and such, just to prove he had no actual woman there. You see, Van Iveren claimed he heard a woman screaming for help and thought a woman was being raped.

The strange thing is that the porno in question was in Spanish. The neighbor called police and ended up playing the video for the police to show where he was when he was so rudely interrupted. There is absolutely no information about what state of dress or undress the neighbor might have been in.

Van Iveren says he is embarrassed. He claims he heard a woman screaming for help, grabbed his sword and bounded up the stairs. He also claims he was intending to hold the sword behind his back but kicked the door down instead. He has been charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct. Adding to his problems is the fact that he was charged with those things while also brandishing a deadly weapon. He faces a maximum of 33 months in jail.

Here is where it gets truly interesting and where it seems to be truly a Wisconsin story. When Van Iveren was asked why he didn’t just call police he stated that he lived in an apartment downstairs alone with his mother. He does not have a phone. He didn’t know the neighbor and the sword he was brandishing was a family heirloom.

You have to love a family that hands down deadly weapons from one generation to the next. You also just have to wonder if this was a guy living with his mom, perhaps playing dungeons and dragons online, and he was probably thinking he would be able to rescue some damsel in distress. He probably spend much time in his bedroom swinging that sword around, dressed as a wizard, and pretending he is doing exactly that all of the time. I just hope when his mother passes away she doesn’t end up sitting in front of her television for ten years.
So you really have to be careful with your porn out there, I guess. Not only do you need to be careful that you don’t scar your children you just might end up with a sword in your chest and a sad lonely man in ill-fitting clothing standing at your door. I am making up the bit about ill-fitting clothing as I am just guessing here. Let’s just say in my experience I have met the type I imagine this would-be hero is and I can almost picture him.

It’s a sad thing to think about. All of those years of hiding and you finally become and adult and can, technically, go about your porn watching with impunity and then you end up with a neighbor kicking down your. On the other hand, this also sounds like the opening scene to a porn movie, so go figure.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.