When I'm doing work that doesnt involve my brain, my brain gets bored, and when my brain gets bored, it occupies itself - it's a lot like humming. For example, I was cleaning the Kwik Fill on East Ridge Road, doing my swirl, and when I got to the doors I saw the "Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted" sign. Is there even a chance that shoplifters will not be prosecuted? Of course, if they get away there's nothing that can be done, but the sign doesn't include that stipulation. I say we just change a couple letters in the sign. Instead of prosecuting the shoplifters, lets persecute the shoplifters. Generally, this term pertains to race, religion, or beliefs, but it's not restricted to those terms alone.

By definition, to persecute means to consistently annoy or harass. How great would that be? Say you're a clerk, and you catch someone shoplifting. Rather than blowing the horn on them, why not have a little fun? Follow them around the store and talk to them. Oh, you’re gonna buy that? Do you really think that would look good on you? Mmmm…I think I like this one better…Hey, do you want to get some lunch somewhere? No, no, no…You don’t want that one. You want…Huh, what was I going to show you? Ugh! Don’t you hate when that happens? The ultimate goal of this strategy is to annoy them so much that they’ll just surrender themselves to you.

At this point, for what I have in mind, the persecution would just be getting started. It doesn’t have to begin and end in the store. It should be carried out outside the place of business as well. You may be thinking that that would be a bit excessive and would be flirting with the violation of the shoplifter’s rights as a human being, and you’d be right. That’s why we forego prosecution altogether. The persecuting will take the place of prosecuting, and therefore becomes the punishment of the crime.

I don’t want to hear any guff about “cruel and unusual” punishment either; we put people to death. I don’t know of any higher cruelty. Besides, this is a huge bonus for people in retail. After having to deal with bitching customers day-in day-out, being provided the opportunity to be really obnoxious to a customer would have to put the sweet taste of revenge on their tongues.

However, if persecution is going to take place of prosecution, then the persecuting will have to take place outside the business as well. This creates a potential problem because when the persecutor is persecuting within their store or place of business, they are on their own territory, so they feel safe and confident. Once the persecution goes outside the doors of business the task rises to another level. First, I’m not sure retailers would want to take it outside, and I’m sure they couldn’t afford to just leave or have someone else leave the place of business. Furthermore, it is too great a risk that the person may freeze, or begin to feel badly about what they’re doing which would be completely unacceptable.
It is for this reason that there would have to be an out of house operative; a hired gun, if you will. This person eats, sleeps, and breathes shoplifter persecution. They have no shame and no remorse…Like Donald Rumsfeld.

The persecuting would be left to the imagination of the persecutor, but generally it’d be things like tailgating the person on the road, giving them flat tires when they’re walking the streets, and the daily riddling of the door step with freshly chewed gum…Stuff like that.

This should be given some serious thought. Shoplifting is such a dumb crime...So insignificant…Do we really want to clutter our jails with people trying to steal petty items? Do we even want to bother police with people whose only crime is not having the money to pay for stuff? That might seem too lenient a definition, but I'm not counting Abercombie and Fitch type shoplifters, and I actually root them on because the prices at those places are outrageous. All the car thieves, bank robbers (I feel like a 5 year old saying that…Robbers…), art thieves, and other such types...Yes, we put them in the cages. As for the rest, we bother, harass, and annoy.

Persecution is the new Prosecution.