(At Least One...)

Cow ownership is so underrated. Everybody just falls in with the crowd and goes for the cute puppies and fuzzy kittens, or fish or birds or something equally boring. The most exciting option is usually the iguana, and frankly, they're just not that exciting. But a cow! Their size alone is impressive enough, and though it may create some problems with the average yard size, the rewards are well worth the effort. Picture your backyard. Grass, a tree or two, maybe a fence or a flower bed? Boring. Even with a great big dog you're only the typical American suburbanite. Now picture that same backyard with a cow in it, calmly looking back at you. What a difference a cow makes! And with a little ingenuity, the glories of cow ownership are possible to anyone.

Cows are calm. Note that I'm not discussing bulls here. When you go cow shopping (as I'm sure you will after reading this article), get the one with the udders, not the one with the horns. Horns hurt a lot more than udders do. Have you ever observed a field full of cows? They're just standing around, laying around, chewing their cud, singing little songs about green, green grass. (Most people don't get close enough to hear the little songs, but they're quite lovely.) Try finding a kennel full of calm puppies – it only happens if they've all been drugged or malnourished.

Cows are useful. Think of all the amazing things a cow can do. If you get a dairy cow (which is my recommendation) then you've got fresh milk every day. Cows can pull a cart or a plow or a little red wagon with an umbrella attachment. Cows are great for attracting attention. Say it's been a slow day at your lemonade stand. Just bring out your cow and stand her right next to the pitcher of lemonade and watch business skyrocket! Granted, animal control might give you some unwanted attention, but if your cow is big enough and your lemonade is good enough, you can handle them. No problem.

Cows are aesthetically pleasing. The simple black and white pattern of our classic Holstein dairy cow is reminiscent of oreos (which, when coupled with the fresh milk you'll have, is quite the perfect comparison). Black and white goes with everything. Black is slimming, white is refreshing. If you choose a Guernsey (soft brown) or Jersey (creamy tan to light brown) or Ayrshire (brown splotches on white), you'll have a lovely earth tone that will complement brighter accent colors. A Brown Swiss, which, strangely enough, can be a striking steely gray, lends itself well to a more modern decor.

Cows are fun. One word – cow-tipping. Imagine the possibilities right in your own backyard. Barbecues and family reunions will actually be exciting with a cow around. Who wants pony rides when you can have cow rides? Who wants a clown when you can finger paint on a cow? With some time and practice, you can train your cow in simple, crowd-pleasing tricks. Having a cow sit on command is sure to entertain all ages. Just be sure the cow doesn't sit on one of your guests...

Cows are time-savers. Remember that weekly drudgery of lawn mowing? You'll never have to waste your time on it again. Remember hauling fertilizer from the garden store to your flower and vegetable beds? Just aim your cow's posterior in the right direction and you're all set. Yard work is practically eliminated with a cow around. (Basically, your yard is eliminated, but who needs one of those anyway?)

Cows are the wonder-pet of the 21st century, and it's time we gave them their due. Find me a dog who can haul a plow or a cat who can help with yard work and I might reconsider. But until then, cows have my vote – and my backyard.