Will True Love Ever Find Me?

“They say true love only comes around once and you have to hold out and be strong until then. I have been waiting. I have been searching. I am under the moon, walking the streets of earth until dawn. There's got to be someone for me. It's not too much to ask. Just someone to be with. Someone to love. Someone to give everything to. Someone.”
- Henry Rollins

I am 28. Not very old, you think. But in my case the years have been too long, some seemed longer than eternity. If you have ever waited for something, you would understand. My wait has been endless.

My first brush with love took place as soon as I was born. My mother, God, was she beautiful and so sensitive to each and every one of my need. I was convinced that God had ordained a glorious, full of love, life for me. I gave her happiness and she gave everything to me. Unfortunately it did not last long. Just a year later, my sibling was born and what I thought was always going to be mine, was rudely snatched away from me.

I grew up a normal girl. Studying in a co-ed school, dressing up in bright colorful dresses, making friends, dreaming endlessly knowing that God did not design me to be alone.

I met many good boys; in fact, fell in love with some of them. Unfortunately it always turned out to be like a takeaway counter in a restaurant. I did hold it in my hands but there was always someone else standing by to take it away. What does it take to hold on to something that you cherish so much? God knows I tried, with all my heart and soul.

True love is about giving, I had heard. The more you give, the more you have. I gave all my love, my emotions, my feelings without expecting anything in return. It started out easy and well but got nowhere finally. In the end I always felt used, abused and never got anything in return. That I never expected anything, kept me going. From one to the next. So many people touched my life but a touch only, it remained.
Love never engulfed me fully, the way I had always wanted.

Why couldn’t the other person see how much I loved him and that I was willingly sharing my life with him and that I wanted to spend more time and that I was giving him everything, just for a few moments of fulfillment, for a fleeting feeling of intimacy, for a pinch of satisfaction, for a brush of ecstasy, for a shade of belonging.

Do I take this as a limitation of mine, to draw out the other person’s passion and desire for me or is the other person lacking in his capability to understand and believe what I am? So many people in the world and I can’t find one. But I am what I am. I am not going to change myself. I keep telling myself that I am going to persevere and preserve my dignity and self-esteem and continue dreaming for my prince charming, my knight in shining armor. But then, who is losing out here? At the moment, the loss is all mine.

Have you ever woken up with a feeling that today is the day, when everything will be alright, today is going to change everything and today all the wishes will be granted, all desires will come true. I wake up like that everyday. Sometimes your life can change in a second. I have waited for twenty eight years. My biological clock is ticking much faster than time. True love still eludes me.

Will True Love Ever Find Me?

In the meantime I keep my hopes up and listen to this Daniel Johnston song:

True Love Will Find You In The End

True love will find you in the end
You're gonna find out that love’s your friend
Don't be sad, I know you will
Don't give up until
True love will find you in the end

This is a promise with a catch
Only if you’re looking can it find you
Cause true love is searching too
How can it recognize you
Unless you step out into the light?

Don't be sad, I know you will
Don't give up until
True love will find you in the end