It may not feel like it just yet, but the new football season is almost here and depending on where you fall on my football-o-meter, this fact either fills you with great anticipation or immense dread. 

Football has been a lifelong interest for me.  The height of my fanaticism happened as I grew up in the 70s.  The Pittsburgh Steelers were an absolute monarchy back then.  Terry Bradshaw, Franco Harris and Lynn Swann moved in to the Three Rivers Stadium and in to football history.  Of course at the time, my support still remained with the Oakland Raiders because they were my hometown team, but one had to admire the Steelers’ Super Bowl wins no matter where one’s allegiance was pledged.  Sundays were filled with my father and brother yelling at the faux wood-paneled television and my mom entering the weekly Predict the Football Game Winners contest run by the local newspaper.  By the way, she won once with a perfect scorecard. 

And then there was the football transition I made when I was first married.  I was taken aback by how much time my new husband spent watching, obsessing, discussing and playing football.  I wasn’t upset that he was so involved with the sport, I was upset because he was involved in the wrong sport.  My football, otherwise known as his soccer, blared from our hand-me-down plastic-encased television.   I started to hear strange words like Manchester United, Paris St. Germaine, Barcelona blah blah.  What was this exotic world of non-stop action that ended in 90 minutes flat?  I'm pleased to inform you all that I’ve now spent eighteen years reconciling the two footballs and found out that I enjoy them both! 

I consider myself lucky to accept my football paradox but not all relationships are as fortunate.  Football season can cause hurt feelings and resentment.  It can help if you understand where your partner falls on my completely made-up football-o-meter before the first coin of the season is flipped.  Once you determine his or her level of fanaticism, you can then decide for yourself whether to kick the upcoming football season to the curb or receive your friends and family for some prime sports television viewing.  Here are the categories, ranked in order from super fan to super sour:

4th and Goal:  The Hail Mary Group
These people know the college and NFL schedule by heart.  Every play is analyzed and questioned.  They know the current AP rankings and who may have an injury that could threaten their Fantasy Football picks.  They already have the Buffalo wings ready to grill and have designated runners to Costco to get enormous bags of tortilla chips and never-ending jars of salsa.  They have been ready for opening day since the day after the last Super Bowl. 

These people can get a little intense.  You might want to move the coffee table and breakable lamps out of  their vicinity.  They may inadvertently curse a lot, especially when the referee, who is clearly paid by the other team, makes the wrong call.  They live for that elusive Hail Mary play that gives their team a win with only two seconds left in the game.  Plug your ears, they’re callin’ an audible and it’s gonna get loud.

3rd Down:  The Flea Flicker Group
These people are not as intense as the aforementioned Hail Mary group.  They are the best support people to have around.  They enjoy the game but don’t necessarily need to round up all their good luck charms to ensure a win.  They are happy to sit amongst others on the lumpy couch and share the experience.  They will happily apply face paint on one of the Hail Marys but they won’t wear it themselves.  Every once in awhile, they shout out Offsides! and smile satisfactorily when they’re right. 

2nd Down:  Holding with a 10-Yard Penalty Group
This group is made up of the people who ask questions during the game.  They don’t really understand offsides, holding with a 10-yard penalty and conversions.  They can be caught mildly complaining when two minutes left on the regulation clock doesn’t really mean two minutes, but more like forty-five.  They are happy to get up and refill the chips and salsa as they don’t really care if they miss a play or a fumble.  Their main reason for watching the Super Bowl is for the commercials and they are ready to go as soon as the game is over so don’t even think about the post-game wrap up!

1st Down:  Quarterback Sack and/or Football Widows Group
This group could care less about the college season or the NFL schedule.  They don’t know who John Madden and Cris Collinsworth are.  They are slightly pissed when other friends won’t join them to do something else on Saturday and Sunday afternoons or Monday nights.  They don’t participate in the tail gate parties nor wear team colors.  They wouldn’t spend a dime on the satellite premium football packages and roll their eyes when one of the Hail Marys boasts about doing just that.

So there you have it, my personal gauge for understanding whether or not you feel you can support your partner or vice versa because once you understand where they fit in on the football-0-meter, it’s easier to plan events (or interventions) with or without them. 

Where do I fit in?  I’m in between the 2nd and 3rd down.  I love to watch or listen to college games, NFL and soccer while I clean the house, fold laundry or write.  To me, the crisp days of Fall aren’t really Fall without Hank Williams, Jr.’s Monday Night anthem, the bleating sound of the referee’s whistle and the head coach on the sidelines barking in to his headset.

By the way, go Seahawks! (And Barcelona blah blah!)