Wish By Vision.

Wish By Vision.

Your life:
You choose how it begins, fate chooses how it ends, staying in it is your control…

Isn’t it so cool, when you look beyond a place than where your not … & visualise being there away from now….

Based on A True Story…

Intro: “ Based on a true story: Kara takes us on a journey through chaos & discovery.”

Chapter One.

The time when I was too young to understand why…

“ Mind filled with anger, frustrations & confusions.
I did have dreams, I just felt I couldn’t trust the people I was surrounded with, they’d mistake me for a quiet girl who got no hopes or knowledge…”

“Why can’t I have a better life, all cruel happens to me.”

Life is so unfair, for Kara, everything she tries to do to make things better, goes wrong.

Kara is a confused teenager who has always been knocked down in her life nearly everyday.

“Oi, Kara, you are so weird, you hang about on your own!” (Giggles of boys and girls)

I sit here everyday in this park, they have lots to do, swimming pool, people to meet, all sorts.

I sit on the climbing frame, visualising a better place to be, seeing people who understand me, people who understand my pain, people who I can call real kind, gifted people.

I glanced over at the fields of a school.

I pictured running across that long, long field, being some place else, something kept begging me to look over there, I didn’t know what was really over there, but I felt drawn to the fields of that distance…

As I sat there, I noticed a little kid, who was screaming like crazy, I asked what’s wrong, they ran in the little activity hut.

Two of the staff came out and yelled “hey you, why did you push that little kid over, your older than them, you bully, we have a right to ban you!”

I was gob smacked, I’m getting the blame for stuff.

“I,I didn’t do it, I was sat on the climbing frame playing games on my mobile.”

“Don’t give us that, we wasn’t born yesterday, we know you’re a bully!”

I decided to take the blame and get my things and go.

“I’m really sorry, I guess I am messed up, I’m sorry for everything.”

I went for a walk, dreaming of a better world, “Oh, why am I so shy and quiet…!!”

“Why, do they label me as thick or weird, why do they bully me so much, I’m nice when they get to know me, they liked me kind of, before, but now…”

I decided to take a trip over that field, there was a tunnel but it was so scary, so I decided not to go there, I took the long way, but all I ever got to was more field and woods, it was so far from my view, but seeing it from a distance was worth the patience.

I made my way back to my house.

“Kara, where you been?”

“Just to the park then for a walk…”

“A walk where?” My mum asked..

“Um, you know down by the shop not far from ours, I just went by there mum…”

“Okay, well your teas in the micro-wave, get your bag ready for school then for tomorrow.”

“Yeah mum, whatever…”

(Silence)

“Hey Mum…”

“Oh what now?”

“I got P.E. tomorrow, I don’t want to do it because the girls put me down…can you write me a note for the teacher?”

“And…what am I going to put in it?”

“Just say, I hurt my ankle yesterday..”

“Well, you’ll have to walk funny then won’t you?”

“ha-ha, yeah..I guess.” I laughed as I ate my Baked Beans & Mash.

I finished up and went to do my bag.

Then ran down to talk to my mum, again.

“Mum, how do I stop them lot bullying me?”

“Stand up for yourself Kara, it will be hard but as soon as you do it they will leave you alone, listen, one day you will meet nice people who will be different.”

That night as I tried to fall to sleep… I just couldn’t sleep.

The hours went so slow through the night, I kept waking up every hour, no deep sleep for me.

Chapter two.

Next Morning.

“Omg, 7.30 final alarm, I slept through 6am, Oh god, I’m gonna be late…”

But really it doesn’t matter, because it’s only another day of bullying and taunting.

I ran up to the corner shop quick as I can to buy some chocolate and crisps for my breakfast, I hardly touched my cereal.

I rushed to school.

“Oh My God!, How could I have forgot, we got assembly, oh no, I got to walk in there, everyone looks as soon as the door swings open, okay I cannot go in today, I could skip school, I could hide, or… like I always do… take the embarrassment and walk in…ha-ha.”

I remember when I got in with the wrong crowd once and all I did was the opposite to what I was meant to do…

I used to skip a lot of school then I’d grass myself up to my mum, because I have a good conscience, I always feel I have to tell the truth after wards which is okay I guess, but that all depends on what I feel is meant to be grassed on.

I ran down all the steps, towards the door of the assembly hall, took a deep breath and pulled open the door, with a face ready for shame, but I was feeling rather shameless that I was late because why should I say sorry to a load of teachers who don’t even help me through this bullying, no matter how many letters I throw in that bully box.

Everyone looked at me, sniggering and pointing, the year coordinator stopped talking on stage and stared at me, she never used to like me, she just didn’t understand me that’s all.

The most embarrassing part was that I had her for first lesson, Drama, I know what’s coming, she’s going to have a right go at me once again and ask me what’s going on with me.

School life was hell for me, I would never wish for a relive of it because I just couldn’t face it again.

After the shouting and things, Break came and I couldn’t wait to get something to drink.

Thinking about second lesson, P.S.E.

“What’s the point in doing this, I mean we learn about the same thing everyday, the pupils all they do is gossip like idiots and jump around like animals, throw paper like children, bully me like there’s no tomorrow!”

I choose to go anyway because I think I can take the bullying, well I’m going to try, I have a right to be at school anyway, I have a right for an education just like them.

I sat there in class, not having a clue what to do, because every time I put my hand up for help, the teacher ignores me, every time I try to concentrate and figure it out myself, I get a rubber thrown at my head, every time I try to think straight I’m having to be paranoid about who’s sitting behind me.

Maths was a drag, yes I know what 2+2 is, stop treating me like I’m a complete idiot, okay I can’t do fractions or those big tricky things but it doesn’t mean I’m dopey, why you got to arrange me to go to a small special maths class?, I don’t belong there, well I feel I don’t belong in there any how, You know for a maths teacher, your supposed to help me that’s why your teaching in the first place, some teachers just don’t know their own job.

So here I am, stuck in a lower maths class of the lowest, trying to figure out why I’m stuck with this group of 6 people who keep calling me “Alien.”

“Being bullied by the other pupils made me go crazy, I told my mum I ain’t taking it anymore!”

She arranged to speak to the main teachers, they decided that the little- small class is the place for me to get away from the bullies, so I was stuck in the small class for every lesson now.

This class was even worse, they bullied me too.

There was this popular girl in there, her name was Mina, well she thought she was, but I bet she wasn’t popular to the whole school, because there’s so many girls in the school who is well liked, but I didn’t think about that at the time, she’d make me feel ill, try to make me envy her, she’d pretend to beat me up and make out that she was having real fights, so the whole school would say stuff to make matters worse.

Break times, I spent my days up in the classroom on my own, browsing the internet on the computer but mostly on paint, drawing Dolphins, I was pretty good at drawing dolphins.

This boy was nearby he was in the class, catching up on his work.

He came over to look at my drawing, I thought “Great!, another one to put me down!”

But he surprised me, he said “Wow, did you draw that?,”

I nodded yes.

“It’s well good.” He insisted.

When he went, I had the quiet classroom all to myself again, I walked over to the window & glared over to those fields where I could walk away from all this and go somewhere else.

My heart pounded and I heard laughter, it was the class they’re back again, so I quickly grabbed a chair and sat down, threw my long hair over my face, so I didn’t have to see their bullying, evil faces looking at me.

Something of truth kept tugging at my thoughts, keeping me strong, urging me to keep looking for that special something that is going to change my life forever.

Next lesson was Science, I had a keen interest in Science, I knew lots about a whole lot of different things, I was quite intrigued by the Human Body, Space & Chemistry.

I’d have high grades in that class, but there was negativity in the atmosphere of that class, I couldn’t attract any nice friends, just like a magnet that is repel to any material aspect.

The Science class was a mixture of my old class and the new small class.

Which in a mixed toxic chemical reaction, it would result in a huge disaster.

Last lesson came round and it was P.E. - which is okay, I like to keep fit but only if there were nice people to feel comfortable around.

I’d shake like a leaf, getting changed so I gave notes instead and then get to sit around and watch.

There were four of us not taking part and they’d take the mick out of me, I remember once when I took part, they never and when I went to get my clothes and bag, they were gone.

So I decided to keep my bag with me and watch everyone else having fun, being outgoing, having a laugh, having friends who care about them, who wouldn’t put them through hell… and so on.

I couldn’t wait to go home, I have had like the worst day ever.

Walking home was like a nightmare, stones thrown at me, people tripping me up, tugging at me - hoping I’d fall over.

Mina came running down and she said “Hi, want to walk home with me?”

So I thought, hey she’s being nice, aw that’s cool, so I said “Why not..”

And we chatted.

If only I could’ve seen the trap then I wouldn’t have fell in it.

She was only bothering with me to find stuff out for the bullies, let alone herself.

I was such a fool back then, falling in all traps, because I was lost, I couldn’t find myself, I’d hang out with people just to try and earn some respect.

I’d try so hard to have friends, even it took lying to myself.

Chapter Three.

Next Day in school, I was in French, Someone from the past was put into the same class as me, she was so mean.

She started a rumour.

Everyone started laughing and calling me all these things.

Bullying was even worse than it ever was for me now.

She’d fire them up every time.

I didn’t know how to be cool.

I’d do so many stupid things just to not get bullied.

But it would all end in fail, because they sensed my fear like a dog, or like a evil ghost whose thoughts he could hear.

“Kara, you have not done your homework,
Detention tonight at 4.”

Said the French teacher…

I didn’t turn up, I couldn’t be done with it.

Saturday, 11.30 a.m.

*Yawns*

“Aw, Saturday finally.”

I decided to go for a run, to clear my head, collect my thoughts.

I took a bottle of water with me, my disc player & threw on my wrecked white trainers.

I started jogging around the block first then heard talking, there were 5,6,8 - teens coming my way, a big gang of them, so before I had a chance to hide, they spotted me straight out, they decided to chase me, I started to leg it down the road of my street, I was running at high speed through the parks, through woods, streams & other streets, I came across a secret hideout, okay it was a dug up ground in the grass with cables everywhere…but it was deep enough for me to hide in.

So I jumped down it, it was deep as ever, getting back out didn’t occur to me at the time, I just wanted to hide from them, it was quite dark too so they had no way of figuring if I’m down there.

I heard distant chattering and shouting, one said, “Hey, I think she’s ran down that hill over there.”

“Lets check the shopping centre!” A girl shouted after them…

I struggled to climb out of the hole, it was hard work, but with the strength I had in that day I managed to jump and grab on to a piece of pipe and cable then push my feet up the gravel - slippery wall, I pushed and pulled, finally pushed to keep my balance and managed to pull my whole body out, I strained as I tried.

I laid on the grass for a bit to rest my breath and stop the pain in my heart.

I went for a run by the old park where I used to chill, I sat on a big lump of muddy grass, I love getting covered in mud and messing around.

I love the light, sandy, dusty mud… just skidding in it and kicking it about, I like how it rising in the wind, flowing around like a sandstorm, I like to just jump in it and jump so I land in it and be covered in it.

I feel free when I walk alone and do what I like, like a little adventure, a journey of unpredictable, dangerous too but at the time it was freedom to go where ever I wanted and it felt okay at the time.

I was 14, going through all emotional circumstances in school life, didn’t know the truth, didn’t know the answer to anything that life threw at me.

Walking alone trying to figure out life’s meanings, trying to figure out my feelings, thoughts and emotions.

Chapter Four.

Being in the playground of school, standing there for ages, watching all that’s going on around you, if you stand there long enough… it’s like a spinning whirl going on around you, your paranoid, it’s like being in a square that you can’t step out of and it’s like your stuck in there and everyone is crowding round you, laughing at you, hitting you, spitting, kicking, punching & on going taunting.

You feel alone and no-one out there to help you, you feel like you’re the only one going through this, you feel like the whole world hates you.

You stand there and everything is echoing, but I could have sworn I heard some music when I was there, feeling lonely and everything whirling around, I heard a soft tune, whirring and a sound of a chime like a magical breeze of dings, flowing with the wind, feeling harmony, although there was so much going on around me, deep in the reality of life itself, deep in the real of nature of the air, there was some magical truth there- letting me know that some good is on it’s way to me.

You look in the eyes of every bully and you see deep inside they just all want to fit in and not be bullied, they don’t mean to hurt me, they have to because the most powerful of naughtiness in the most hurtful coward of a bully out there is possessing them all, filling their heads with lies.

The victim sees magical hidden secrets and the bully sees nothing but lies.

One Cold Monday Morning, walking to school.

“Hey, look how skinny, Kara has gone lol.”

A boy yelled to another..

“Give me a break!”

I shouted…

They pushed me flying, I graced all my arm, aw it stung like mad.

I ran to the loo, to clean it, I looked into the mirror, my whole face was bony and I had lost tons of weight all on my arms and stomach.

I looked terrible, my eyes were sleepy, my face was a pale greyish colour, my hair was falling out, my mind was all messed up, I even forgot what lessons I had.

My family are worried for me, I can’t pick myself back up, I’ve fallen right down as far as low can go.

I’m a mess, I hate my life, look why do I even go to school, I’m not getting nothing out of it, life is so bad to me.

In class, Mina was handing out worksheets then the teacher come along with College Brochures.

Mina looked at them and said “Well, I will definitely get in, because I’m very brainy,”

Blah Blah…I thought.

I stared at the brochures, I thought to myself: I really want to go there, that looks great, look at all them courses, you can choose anything you want.

I visualised myself there, but back then I didn’t know visualisation was actually a wish that made dreams come true.

Mina goes “Did you all know that I’m a model.”

I was quite jealous of her because she was really pretty and could have well been a model.

I always tried to act like her, because she had several things that I lack.
She was outgoing, nice to her friends, but I wish she was nice to me.

I wanted what she always had:

Attention, popularity, being well- liked, high marks, no hatred, caring friends, happiness, a boyfriend…& so on.

I didn’t believe in myself enough because bullying hides your real qualities away from you, which make you only see yourself as no good.

Days and days went by, where nothing’s changed.

A new Girl joined the school, she was alright at first then when the bullies filled her head with all tales, she came after me with fists and anger.

I’d have my hair tugged, my bag thrown about and stuff going missing.

I’d cry every night, yelling in my sleep, putting myself down every morning, each day at school- wishing I was dead, not eating anything, becoming anorexic, having blood tests, being anaemic, losing faith in everything that I do.

From the outside people would not understand how hard it is to stick up for yourself, but when you’re the one whose been through it, it’s a lot more understanding than you’d ever imagined.

Chapter Five.

One day everything changed.

“Luck was on my side.”

After all that bad event of reality.

Things started to make sense.

One afternoon, I came home for dinner after a lesson of French- a day of out of control bullying, I had a chance to stop it before it went too far…

People couldn’t control their French.

I went home and cried and cried, my mum the most supportive of anyone, of course she’s my mum…

If it wasn’t for this woman, I wouldn’t have survived, she’s the one who have kept me strong, she is the one role - model that will live inside me forever.

She rang up the school, she explained she is not sending me back ever again, she got in touch with the school’s education welfare officer.

I had a choice, I could stick out the bullying for another year or go to work with a permit *an extended work experience* also go to college a year early…

‘You know what I chose?’

Well I’m guessing you had a feeling, what I chose.

No more school, ever again, this meant so much to me, a dream come true…

Finally people took note what was happening, It’s appalling that you have to look so messed up, so hurt inside and out to make them believe you.

Life is controversial when debates against bullying is involved.

But any how I made it far in my life away from them all…

Amazing people to work with:-

“What it feels like to be a youngster working and studying at 14.”

The Adult world was the place for me, I got on with adults much better than people my own age, more respect, more maturity of an atmosphere.

They were amazing to me, they looked out for me, l looked up to them, they were people who I felt a close bond with.

They knew my story, they knew what I have suffered, they helped me gain my strength back, this was a new start for me, a new life, a life that was begging for me to believe in.

If you believe your vision then that vision will exist not only in your mind but in reality.

Preparing myself for the opportunity of my life…

My first day at college.

Walking down the long grass of the College grounds, knees shaking, feelings of nervousness but excitement at the same time.
Making my way through the reception & up the staircase to my first entry of a class of unpredictability, thinking will I meet people who will welcome me to a world of more understanding.
Will I need to fear anymore?, will my life change?,
“if it is designed to change…
I’m ready for that change.”

I followed what I believed in & was ready for something that can forever permanently change the way I see things, all in a new perspective.

As I got to the classroom door.

Everyone who I were to meet, were already seated inside, waiting for what’s next.

Going through that door, was to reveal what was waiting for me, the opportunities that were waiting to be discovered & cherished.

I took a deep breath & thought …“okay, I will see where I can go from here, if it’s not meant to be, I will know & move on…”

I pulled open the door, I walked in & looked around, thinking who looks welcoming, that I can feel at ease, so I don’t feel tense.

I found a seat at the back near a girl who kept smiling at me, she seemed very friendly, that I for once felt accepted.

The most small subtle thing someone does, can really make a difference in the way you decide to live your life & keeps you open to new exciting things, you feel at ease with a simple smile from another.

Our tutor introduced us to some amazing get-to-know you games, I learned a bit of knowledge & description from a lot of people.
They expressed things, I felt I could adapt to.
I really understood them, which allowed me to watch them a bit more, how they communicate their idea’s & this gave me access to their ways & personality, I watched & observed in how they present themselves, I find the figurations of how to best approach them, to get to know them a lot better.

As the time went by in those first few days of College life, things seemed different, life was better, I was something that was going to make me somebody one day, I felt strong, that I’ve come along way, I’d never dare to throw this away.

An opportunity like this was only going to come around once, it was something that I was so glad of going through with.

Lunch time come & I didn’t know what to have for lunch, I was nervous, everything was so new to me, I thought I’ll sit on my own, I feel lost but I will try to socialise with others, it’s just I don’t know what to say, where to begin & how to approach with confidence.

I grabbed a cheese & tomato roll, I wasn’t really in the mood to eat, meeting new people was on my mind, will I fit in e.g.

I took a seat in the canteen, my main tutor came over to a group of us & encouraged us to communicate.

There was a woman who was a support worker, she seemed cool.

I finally had the chance to talk with the woman who I found to be very friendly, she was funny, she was shy but polite & she always made me laugh & put a smile on my face, made me feel free, that I could be myself & speak with confidence.

We chatted for ages & she introduced a student who had a disability, she was slightly epileptic, she was the cleverest that I’ve met so far, funny & cheery in her ways.

I looked out for her a lot of the time, I was her best friend,
I liked her cheery nature, made me feel enthusiastic & lively, I felt comfortable around a few others in the class also.
They were just great to be around, I found I had a sort of gift that just made people feel at ease in my company & to feel fearless, that they could trust me, which they could, because I’m the kind of laid back soul who loves people & trying new things & I have belief in others, I have a deep understanding for meaning & my deep inner feeling.

I can connect with the world through a deep spiritual understanding, I can’t really explain it, but I can feel & sense things.

People really don’t understand, I don’t ask to be understood, I just want them to feel at ease near me, the part of me that I feel they should feel around me, the sensitive, caring nature of me, even if they don’t really know how to explain it, it doesn’t need to be explained, people just know there’s a connection there & that they feel close to me.

The reason to why we experience something new, is to teach another…

“If we come out strong, then the persons life we attended, starts to focus on how we inspired them, the person keeps us inside of them, to keep the belief they need to survive, to go on, memories save us more than life itself,
Times do get tough in life, but memories are there to guide us, to remind us not to give up, that there is hope on our side through the person we remember that kept us alive.”

The most amazing gift that life has ever given me was… allowing me to meet the right people, who believed in me & kept me going.

The most amazing tutors & the most amazing friends all coming together as one into my life, making my days & my life worthwhile.

I felt closeness with everyone around me, it means so much to me, all the fun we shared back in the days, I enjoyed the moments & the experience of being in that moment of the good times, cherishing every precious minute of something that will keep in my heart forever & without a day going by when I don’t think about the people who I loved so greatly, I will never forget, I take the memories with me through my whole life, they are my weapon to self discovery in the future.

“When you look for something…
Do you find it?
No, not always.
But if you visualise it, then forget…

There’s a good chance that…it shows up when you least expect it!!”