There’s no denying it, fellas, but the worst holiday of the year is nearly upon us. Even Groundhog’s Day is better and has more tradition and soul to it than this vicious, stupid, moronic holiday. You know what it is, guys. It’s Valentine’s Day. < p>

You know Valentine’s Day, don’t you guys? The day that the woman in your life seems to put so much emphasis on? The day where your entire sexual life hinges on what you choose for dinner and when you manage to get the biggest bouquet of flowers to her place of work. Yes, that’s what it is and it’s stupid and it’s ridiculous. I have said it before, and I will say it again, but the best representation of V-Day isn’t the fat little cherub with a bow and arrow but seven men lined up against a wall and shot in the back.

The problem is the holiday itself has no real origins that anyone can figure out. Go ahead, look it up. I’ll wait. You get a bunch of half-baked theories and ideas about where it may or may not have come from, but no one seems to know for sure. At least Christmas had a nice pagan origin that was then co-opted by the Christians for their various (and nefarious? Discuss) purposes.

Not so with Valentine’s Day. You get muddled stories and vague ideas but none of it has any real validity when it comes to romance. Why exactly so many people have all decided to get together and pick this particular day to have some kind of mass orgy of buying chocolate and greeting cards is anyone’s guess? The problem is that the entire holiday is entirely commercialized and has lost any significance it may have had at any time. It’s a holiday entirely about buying cards, flowers and going out to dinner.

I have been witness to conversations that sounded like this:

Woman 1: So, what’s your man doing tonight for Valentine’s Day? Got any big plans for the evening?

Woman 2: I have no idea. He hadn’t said anything by last night. I just know he had BETTER pick the right place.

Woman 1: That’s right, he better not have any chicken nuggets planned or anything.

Woman 2: Not if he wants to have sex for the rest of the year, he’d better not. He picked the wrong place last year and he’s still working it off.

Nothing like a little pressure guys to really make you feel all warm and fuzzy about the one you love, right? Nothing like a little pressure that you will not have sex again until the following year, whereupon your parole will be determined by what you do then, to really make you WANT to spend time with the one you love and feel good about your relationship? How much time will you spend pondering flowers? How panicked will you be if you suddenly realize what day it is and you haven’t sent that bouquet yet? How much will you sweating about where to take your special person to dinner? How many hours will you spend planning the date for that night? How bad will you feel if all of that work leads to you not having sex for a year?

The interesting thing is that women seem to think that men have the same thoughts about the day as they do. They seem to think men want all kinds of gifts and romantic ideas and notes sent to them throughout the day. At the same time, women are under no obligation to plan a dinner, send you flowers or do anything but sit there and make you feel bad.

What most of the women don’t realize is that the perfect Valentine’s Day gift would be sex without questions and then never mentioning that it is, in fact, Valentine’s Day. If you could manage to whip up some sort of football theme, that would be great. You see, we just had the Super Bowl and he is likely to be going through NFL withdrawal. Let him see you in that sexy outfit he bought and that you then chastised him for and have never worn.

Then he might actually be grateful enough to want to spend time with you and do something special. Of course, dropping some actual hints or actually stating where you want to go might also help. Nothing drives men more insane than being given subtle hints while they are trying to watch their favorite television show. Men need to be told things directly. Tell him what restaurant you want to go to, a rough idea on the time and then feel free to pick out his clothes.

Of course, having this particular day as the day you celebrate your love is something chosen by society and not you. It really should have no meaning at all for you. The only exception to that would be if you met and had your first date or wedding anniversary on Valentine’s Day. As for the rest of you, why are you letting the card companies and candy companies tell you when you should be celebrating your love?

I say throw darts at the months torn out from a calendar. Or, you can put all of the months in one box and all of the days one through thirty-one in another and then one of you picks out of one box and then the other picks out of the other box. If you end up with a date like February 31, then you just toss away that number and pick again. Then you too can have a randomly chosen date that has no meaning save that the two of you picked it to celebrate your love.

I bet you’ll be able to find a card and get a reservation at that restaurant more easily too.

Bryan Alaspa is a featured writer for Xomba.com. Read the rest of his work here .