Steve Beauregard's Xombytes

You’ll have to excuse me if I’m a little giddy today. I’ve just received some unbelievably exciting news : a new species of cricket has been discovered.

According to a recent Associated Press story, the new genus of cricket was found on the Arizona-Utah line. Its discovery has entomologists, (guys who are waaaay too interested in bugs), more excited than Rosie O’Donnel at a buffet line. This type of cricket is special, because apparently it has, “pinchers on its hind end.” Entomologists however, aren’t sure what purpose the pinchers serve. So like the mysteries of Amelia Earhart and the lost city of Atlantis, Americans will go to bed tonight, still not knowing the answer to the constantly burning question: “Why do crickets have pinchers on their butt?”

I realize that intelligence-gathering tools like wiretaps are needed in the war on terror, but if we, as Americans, don’t stand up to the government’s assault on civil liberties, there is a good chance that we could lose important freedoms, such as our Constitutional right to yell at toilets.

One of the main advantages of being born a male, (besides being able to spit in public without society looking down upon us), has to be the fact that as guys, we do not have to go to baby showers.